Cried when she found esynagogue.org

Question/comment: I just found your website today. I actually cried
when I found it, and still cannot believe such a thing exists. I've wanted
to convert to Judaism since 1997, but due to being married to a
non-Jew and having small children who have a very stable, loving father and
home, I did not ever feel that I had the right to uproot my children and
destroy their home and family like that. I did go to the Orthodox to
try, but this was the problem. So, what I have done for the past ten
years is learn on my own all that I can about Judaism from the Orthodox
point of view. Books, videos, lectures on the internet, joined the
community on paltalk that used to exist (but no longer) that founded the
Virtual Yeshiva from which I learned years and years of anti-missionary
material, along with lectures by so many Rabbis, you can go the the
Virtual Yeshiva website to see who I've learned from all these years. And
more, not just from there. I have bookcases full of Judaism books ran!
ging from the most basic to the kabbalistic, including many I saw on
your list as required reading for conversion.

My children are almost grown now, ages 15 and 16. My husband who was
raised Lutheran, when he found out that I wanted to convert to Judaism,
was extremely against this, and I found that he had many stereotypes of
Jews from his upbringing in a farm family in Nebraska. He did not think
too highly of Jews, in other words. This cut me to my core, as I just
KNOW that I am a Jew inside, my soul is a Jewish soul. Over many months
our household was almost torn apart as I insisted that I be allowed to
be who I am, and his fighting me all the way on it.

Finally his father stepped in, and told him to stop. To leave me alone
to be what I want to be, and that my husband had no right to deny my
desire for whatever religion my soul felt it belonged to.

At the same time he told me that I have an obligation to raise my
children with their father, who is a great dad and there is a wonderful love
between children and father. I knew this, and agreed to wait. It was
so hard to squelch my soul's desire to convert, to run and convert
immediately, but I couldn't do that because of what it would have meant for
my children and their father.

I have cried ENDLESS tears, asking God time and again, why? Why can't I
come home? I am in exile among the exiles. It is the hardest thing to
go through. I've known others whose Jewish soul "woke up" and we have
all seen that it just will not stop, it will not shut up, it will not be
quieted, until it can come home.

When I saw your website, it was like someone had reached down a ladder
or a rope to me, and I felt hope again for the first time in years.

I know that the Reform do accept people for conversion who are married
to non-Jews. I also know that these conversions are not accepted by the
Orthodox, nor by the State of Israel for aliyah, so that if I ever
want to make aliyah I will have to undergo an Orthodox conversion anyway
sometime in the future.

Anyway, if I could have someone there from your organization contact
me, I would appreciate it very much. I just need to make it to the
mikvah, that's all I'm asking, I just need to come HOME where I belong, at
least for my soul, even if my body cannot live in a Jewish community at
this time. I am willing and will very happily take any and all courses
and read any books, and learn anything that is needed, in order to be
able to do this.

Please get back to me when you can. Thank you.