Jewish jokes from a rabbi

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.

"Bartender! A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"

Everyone except the Jewish man receives a glass of premium scotch.

The anti-semite looks over at the Jew with a smug grin.

The Jew smiles back.

The anti-semite loses his satisfied expression.

"Bartender! Give everyone a drink of your finest, plus an appetizer!"

He looks directly at the Jew and adds, "Everyone except the Jew."

The Jewish man looks at the anti-semite, and smiles again.

Furious, the anti-semite says to the bartender, "Is that Jew just stupid or pretending to be?"

"Oh no, sir, he's the owner."

Image: Andy Harrington, the oldest bartender in America, 1947. Courtesy Boston Public Library

Go to shul

A man was lying in bed on Shabbat morning. His wife said to him, “Get out of bed and go to synagogue!”

“I don’t want to go to synagogue, and there are three reasons: (1) I am tired, (2) I don’t like the service, and I hate the sermons. And (3) the congregation doesn’t like me.”

“Those excuses are no good. You're getting out of bed and going to shul for three reasons: (1) A decent Jewish family goes to shul together. (2) G-d will never forgive you if you don’t come. And (3), you're the Rabbi!”

Mrs. Yetta Rosenberg gets off the plane in Miami and,
being tired from the flight, goes to the first hotel she sees in order to get a room.
She walks up to the desk and tells the clerk, "I'm Mrs. Yetta Rosenberg, and I desire a room for the night."
The clerk looks disdainfully at her and coldly says, "I'm sorry, madam, but our hotel is
"completely booked."

Just then, a man with his suitcase in hand, drops is key and a check at the desk, and heads for the door.
"Oy, vot luck, says Mrs. Rosenberg. "I can take 'his' room."

"I'm sorry, madam," says the clerk, "but I thought you understood my meaning. To be blunt, we do not cater to Jews."
"Jews?" exclaims Mrs. Rosenberg. "So, who's a Jew? I'm a Cat'lic."

In obvious disbelief, the clerk asks her, "If you're a Catholic, then answer this question: Who is the Son of God?"

"Dot's easy," says Mrs. Rosenberg, "Gee"

The clerk, still not convinced, then asks, "Who was Gees' mother and father?"

"Mary and Joseph," replies Mrs. Rosenberg, testily.

Then the clerk asks, "And where was Gee born?"

"In a manger in a barn," answers Mrs. Rosenberg, becoming agitated.

"And why was Gee born in a manger in a barn?" asks the clerk.

"Cause a schmuck like you vouldn't rent a room to Jews!"



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okes for the day?
MEAL TIME ON EL-AL
It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" Moishe asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

THE PARKING SPACE
Moishe is driving in Jerusalem . He's late for a meeting, he's looking for a parking place, and can't find one.
In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: "Lord, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I'll eat only kosher, respect Shabbos, and all the holidays."
Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up to heaven and says, "Never mind, I just found one!"

PHILANTHROPY
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz
Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.
He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after
Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?" "No," replied the guide.
"It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."
"Never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check", replied the guide.

CHANUKAH STAMPS
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She
Says to the clerk "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps please."
"What denomination?" says the clerk.
The woman says "Oy vey...my god, has it come to this?
Okay, give me 6 orthodox, 12 conservative and 32 reform!"

THE CITIZENSHIP TEST
Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam in his English as a Second Language class.
He was asked to spell "cultivate," and he spelled it correctly. He was then
Asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with a big smile, responded:
"Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home."

THE MEZUZAHS
A wealthy Jewish man buys a fabulous home in Beverly Hills .
He brings in a local workman to decorate the place.
When the job is finished, the homeowner is delighted but realizes that he's
Forgotten to put mezuzahs on the doors. He goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side of each door except bathrooms and kitchens.
He's really worried that the decorator will chip the paint work or won't put
Them up correctly. However, when he comes back a few hours later, he sees
That the job has been carried out to his entire satisfaction. He's so
Pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus.
As the decorator is walking out of the door he says, "Glad you're happy with
The job. By the way, I took out all the warranties in the little boxes and
Left them on the table for you!"

MOISHE
Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always
Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the congregation departed.
The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these
Words at him: "You need to join the Army of God!"
Moishe replied: "I'm already in the Army of God, Rabbi."
The rabbi questioned: "How come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?"
Moishe whispered back: "I'm in the secret service."






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Accentuate the positive
The town shadchan (matchmaker) was getting old, and could no longer get around as she used to. So she hired a young assistant who knew nothing about the business. She had to start from scratch with her, teaching her all the basics of the trade.
“The most important thing is exaggeration,” said the shadchan. “You have to lay it on thick.”
“I understand,” said the assistant.
One day the shadchan took her assistant along on a matchmaking visit to a rich family who had an only son.
“Don’t forget,” said the shadchan. “Be enthusiastic, and don’t hesitate to exaggerate.”
When they arrived, the shadchan began: “I’ve found the right girl for your son. She comes from a very good family.”
“Good family!” exclaimed the assistant. “They are descendants of the Guggenheims.”
“And rich, too,” said the shadchan.
“Multi-millionaires,” added the assistant.
“She’s very pretty,” said the shadchan.
“Pretty?” said the assistant. “She’s gorgeous!”
“But I should tell you,” added the shadchan, giving her assistant a small wink, “that she has a small handicap. There’s a tiny wart on her back.”
“What do you mean a wart?” cried the assistant. “It’s a regular hump!”
………………………………………………………….
A passenger on a train in Israel watched in astonishment as an old man across the aisle kept repeating the same pattern. First he would mumble a few words to himself, then he would smile, and finally he would raise his hand and stop talking for a few moments.
After observing this unusual behavior for close to an hour, the passenger finally brought himself to address the stranger.
“Excuse me, sir, but I couldn’t help but notice what you were doing. Is anything wrong?”
“Not at all,” replied the old man. “You see, whenever I take a trip, I get bored. And so I always tell myself jokes, which is why you saw me smiling.”
“But why do you keep raising your hand?”
“Oh, that. It’s to interrupt myself because I’ve heard that joke before.”
………………………………………………………..
Commentary
Two old men sat silently over their glasses of tea for what must have been hours, or at least seemed like it. At last one spoke: “Oy vey!”

The other said: “You’re telling me!”



When young David was asked by his father to say the evening prayer, he realized he didn't have his head covered, so he asked his little brother Henry to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over.
Henry grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand.
The father said, "This is important...put your hand back on his head!"
Then Henry exclaimed, "Am I my brother's kipah?"

Israel and phones

First an old joke. In 1948 AT&T offered Israel to set up phone system.  Socialist Hisdatrut and labor who ran the country did not like capitalistic company coming in and said no thanks we can do it ourselves. So of course no one could get a phone in Israel, it took a year. One business man Shlomo went into complain and said he desperately needed one. Avner the bureaucrat  said no way. Shlomo said you mean I have no hope? Avner replied "shame on you. of course you have hope. our national anthem hatikvah means hope. We were given no chance and we are here. there is always hope. You have no CHANCE, but hope, always.

Then capitalism took Israel over. Now. 

Waze Sale to Google One of Israel's Largest

Jewish state confirms its 'start-up nation' status with $1.03 billion deal

and 

Israel leads world in smartphone usage

In 2012, the market penetration of smartphones in Israel stood at 35 percent, while so far in 2013 it has already gone up to 57%, a significant 22% rise. In Germany, only 40% of the population have smartphones and in France 42%, while Spain is closer to Israel at 55%.

Sol has a job that takes him everywhere and he frequently has problems
finding a schul in some of the towns, so he figures G~d is everywhere, and
decides to go into a church to worship. He takes out his tallis, puts on his
yarmulke, dresses himself and proceeds to pray.

The priest comes in and wants to start the services, and, having heard the
whispers from some of his congregants, he stands up and says, "Will all non
-Catholics please leave."

Sol goes right on davening. Next request, again, "Will all non-Catholics
please leave." Nobody moves or responds. Finally, the priest gets up and
says loudly, "WILL ALL JEWS PLEASE LEAVE!” At this, Sol gets up, folds his
tallis, takes off his yarmulke and puts them away.

He then goes up to the altar, picks up the statue of the baby Jesus and says
the immortal words:

"Come, Tattela, they don't want us here anymore... 

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The Works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

A good Hassidic family is most concerned that their 30 year old son is unmarried. 

So, they call a marriage broker and ask him to find their son a good wife. 

The broker comes over to their house and spends a long time asking questions of the son and his parents as to what they want in a wife/daughter-in-law. They give him a long shopping list of requirements.

The marriage broker takes a long time looking, and finally asks to visit the family again. He then tells them of a wonderful woman he has found. He says she's just the right age for the son. She keeps a Glatt Kosher home. She regularly attends synagogue and knows the prayers by heart. She is a wonderful cook. She loves children and wants a large family. And, to crown it all of, she's gorgeous. 

After hearing all this, the family is very impressed and begins to get excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future. 

But the son pauses and asks inappropriately: "Is she also good in bed?"

The marriage broker answers, "some say yes...some say no ..........."

Abie and Sadie had a Jewish religious store on Delancey Street on
the Lower East Side of NYC. The neighborhood was changing. Sales were
down on all Jewish related items. "Abie, we have to close the store,"
said Sadie.

"We can't", said Abie. "This neighborhood is our life. We've been
here for 50 years. Maybe we can start stocking Catholic articles too."

Sadie says,"What? Catholic articles? Bistu a gantzen Meshuggeh?
We're Jewish, No Catholic articles!!!"

Well, a month passed and they sold nothing but two tallaisim, three
mezzuzahs and one set of tfillin. Now was the time to decide. Sadie
agreed that they had to stock Catholic articles, so she said to
Abie,"OK, call that Catholic supply house on Park Avenue ."

Abie agreed to call: "Hello, Catholic supply house on Park Avenue ?
This is Abie and Sadie's on Delancey Street . I want 100 autographed
pictures of the Pope, 200 of those beads - what do you call them,
rosaries? 500 crucifixes. Oh yeh, I need those things here tomorrow."

"OK, Sir. I got your order. Let me read it back. 100 autographed
pictures of the Pope, 200 sets of rosaries and 500 crucifixes. But
tomorrow we don't deliver, "it's Shabbos."


Rabbinical Supervision

A rabbi was walking down the street, when he noticed one of his congregants...Moishe Pipick..on the other side of the street, entering a Chinese restaurant.

The rabbi crossed the street to peer through the window of the restaurant, to see what his congregant was doing in the traif (non-kosher) restaurant. Moishe ordered some spare ribs and some fried shrimp. The rabbi continued to watch. Soon, the waiter brought the spare ribs and shrimp. He was eagerly devouring it with a hearty appetite.... ...when the shocked rabbi, no longer able to contain himself, burst into the restaurant to confront him. "Stop!" the rabbi shouted. "How could you do this? How could you eat this food? It's ribs and shrimp. It's traif!" "Hold on, just a second" said the congregant. "Rabbi, did you see me walk into this restaurant?" "Yes, I did," replied the rabbi. "Did you see me sit down at this table?" "Yes, I did," the rabbi again testified. "Did you see me order my meal?" "I most certainly did," the rabbi attested. "Did you see the waiter bring this food to my table?" Moishe asked. "Yes, I did," the rabbi again affirmed. "Did you actually see me eating the ribs and the shrimp?" asked Moishe. "Yes, I did. I watched you the entire time!" exclaimed the rabbi. "Well, then," Moishe said calmly, "What's the problem, then? It was all done under rabbinical supervision."

0

THE CITIZENSHIP TEST
Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam in his English as a Second Language
class.
He was asked to spell "cultivate," and he spelled it correctly. He was then
asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with a big smile, responded:
"Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too
cultivate, so I took the subvay home."


THE SINKING BOAT
Two Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat
starts sinking. Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim
so well." Morty remembers how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard
class when he was just a kid, so he begins tugging Saul toward shore. After
ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 100 feet from shore, Morty
asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?" Saul replies,
"Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"


SHIVA
An old Jewish man was dying in the hospital. His family - wife,
children, grandchildren - came to see him, but only one was allowed in
the room at a time.
Grandson Ben went in first. "Hello, Grampa Moishe. Can I do something for
you?"
"Yes," said Grampa Moishe. Go tell Gramma Sadie I want some of her
delicious chopped liver that she made yesterday.
Ben went out and told Gramma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe he
can't have any chopped liver. It would kill him."
Ben went back in and reported what she'd said. "You tell Gramma Sadie I
want the chopped liver. I'm dying anyway and it won't make any difference."
Ben went and told Gramma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe he
can't have any. The chopped liver is for the Shiva."

THE PARKING SPACE
Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting, he's looking for a
parking place, and can't find one.
In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: "Lord, if you find me a
parking place, I promise that I'll eat only kosher, respect Shabbos, and
all the holidays."
Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up
to heaven and says, "Never mind, I just found one!"


THE MEZUZAHS
A wealthy Jewish man buys a fabulous home in Beverly Hills.
He brings in a local workman to decorate the place.
When the job is f inished, the homeowner is delighted but realizes that
he's forgotten to put mezuzahs on the doors. He goes out and buys 50
mezuzahs and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side
of each door except bathrooms and kitchens.
He's really worried that the decorator will chip the paint work or
won't put them up correctly. However, when he comes back a few hours
later, he sees that the job has been carried out to his entire
satisfaction. He's so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus.
As the decorator is walking out of the door he says, "Glad you're
happy with the job. By the way, I took out all the warranties
in the little boxes and left them on the table for you!"


MEAL TIME ON EL-AL AIRLINES
It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" Moishe asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

PHILANTHROPY
A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz
Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the
acoustics.
He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after
Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?" "No," replied the guide.
"It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."
"Never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check", replied the guide.


CHANUKAH STAMPS
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She
says to the clerk "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps please."
"What denomination?" says the clerk.
The woman says "Oy vey...my god, has it come to this?
Okay, give me 6 orthodox, 12 conservative and 32 reform!"



MOISHE

Moishe Goldberg was heading out of the Synagogue one day, and as always
Rabbi Mendel was standing at the door, shaking hands as the congregation
departed.
The rabbi grabbed Moishe by the hand, pulled him aside and whispered these
words at him: "You need to join the Army of God!"
Moishe replied: "I'm already in the Army of God, Rabbi."
The rabbi questioned: "How come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah and
Yom Kippur?"

Moishe whispered back: "I'm in the secret service".









Five Jewish old men are playing poker one night, when Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, stands up, clutches his chest and drops dead on the floor.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Hirsh looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell the wife?”
...
They draw straws. Nordheim, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.

“Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.”

Nordheim schleps over to the Meyerowitz apartment, knocks on the door. The wife answers, asks what he wants.

Nordheim declares, “Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.”

She hollers, “TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!”





Joke: Circuit riding Rabbi Cohen travels long distances in old West to serve Jews. Always stopped at the Jorgenson farm overnight because too long a distance to the next Jew. Each mornig he would go to a corner, don his tfillin and daven. Mrs Jorgenson was always too shy to ask what that was. On his last trip before retirement, after he told them this was it, she finally asked. He did not know how to explain tfillin so he said "its for my arthritis".

She said "Rabbi, I have bad arthritis. Can I have a pair and can you show me how to use them?" He did not know what to say and he so wanted to thank them for their many years of hosting him so he gave her his pair and taught her. When the new young circuit riding Rabbi was hired, Rabbi Cohen told him the route snd told him to stay with the Jorgensons, they would be expecting him.

He did and when he got up in the morning and went to the kitchen, there was Mrs. Jorgenson sitting at the table, plucking chickens, wearing tfilin. The new rabbi promptly resigned, sending a message to Rabbi Cohen that he had done his job so well, even the gentile women were wearing tfillin!






As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you must starve and days on which you must overeat.

Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren't.
Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking.

Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Ash Wednesday), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed-out.
The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:

Rosh Hashanah ------- Feast
Tzom Gedalia ----------- Fast
Yom Kippur ---- More fasting
Sukkot - Feast for a week +
Hashanah Rabbah ---- More feasting
Simchat Torah --------- Keep right on feasting
Month of Heshvan ----- No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip onyourself.
Hanukkah ---------------- Eat potato pancakes
Tenth of Tevet --------- Do not eat potato pancakes
Tu B'Shevat ------------ Feast
Fast of Esther --------- Fast
Purim --------------------- Eat pastry
Passover ---- Do not eat pastry for a week
Shavuot -- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes, etc.)

17th of Tammuz -- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
Tish B'Av -- Serious fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
Month of Elul ------------ End of cycle. Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again.


There are many forms of Judaism:

Cardiac Judaism ---------- in my heart I am a Jew.
Gastronomic Judaism --- we eat Jewish foods.
Pocketbook Judaism ----- I give to Jewish causes.
Drop-off Judaism --------- drop the kids off at Sunday School; go out to breakfast.
Twice a Year Judaism -- attend service Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.

You know you grew up Jewish when:

You did not respond to the teacher calling roll on the first day of school because you thought your name was "Princess".

You've had at least one female relative who drew eyebrows on her face that were always asymmetrical.

You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef "brisket."

Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish.

Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents.

You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates & forks trying to get to a deli tray.

You thought pasta was the stuff used exclusively for kugel and kasha with bowties.

You watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan every Sunday night.

You were as tall as your grandmother by age seven.

You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 6 standard suffixes (-man,-witz, -berg, -stein, -blatt or -baum).

You grew up and were surprised to find out that wine doesn't always taste like year-old cranberry sauce.

You can look at gefilte fish without turning green.

You grew up thinking there was a fish called lox.

You can understand some Yiddish but you can't speak it.

You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean.

Is that Kenahurra or is that kaninehurra?.

You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse's ancestor.

You grew up thinking it was normal for someone to shout "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you were in there for longer than 3 minutes.

You have at least six male relatives named Michael or David.

Your grandparent's furniture smelled like mothballs, was covered in plastic and was as comfortable as sitting on sandpaper.





Arab Dog vs Jewish dog
JOKE: Israeli Dog vs. The Arab Dog
The Israelis and Arabs realized that ... if they continued fighting ... they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: A duel of two ... like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fight.
The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people ... 'the right to rule the disputed areas.' The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.
The Arabs found the biggest ... meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest ... strongest puppy of each litter ... fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up ... they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.

When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived ... the Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal ... a Dachshund that was 12 feet long!
Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird .. odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp. All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute.
As the cages were opened ... the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring.
The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog ... the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog's tail floating to the ground.
The stunned crowd of international observers ... bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.
The Arabs approached the Israelis .. muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand," said their leader ... "Our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest ... biggest Dobermans .. Rottweilers and Siberian wolves ... and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog!"

The Israelis replied .. "Well ... for 5 years ... we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons from Boca Raton working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."







A Jewish husband had just finished reading the book Man of the House. He
stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a
finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the
man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet
meal tonight, and when I'm finished I expect a sumptuous dessert. Then,
after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm
finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The chevra kadisha"?



THINGS I DIDN'T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL

1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana

2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.

3. No meal is complete without leftovers.

4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants
.
5. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.

6. You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.

7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.

8. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Nordstroms.

9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

10. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.

11. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?

12. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.

13. Spring ahead; fall back - winters in Boca.

14. Gentiles leave and never say good-bye; Jews say good-bye and never leave.

15. Always whisper the names of diseases.

16. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher..

17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended.

18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

19. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.

20. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida.




Four novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them Brides of Christ.

Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards came in and sat in the front row.

The Mother Superior said to them, “I am honored that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?”

One of the Hasidic Jews replied, “We're from the groom's family.”








Scottish Jew Takes Up Golf

An elderly Scottish Jew decided to take it a little easier and take up
golf. So he put his name in down at the local club.



After a week he received a message his application had been turned
down. So he went to the club to inquire why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.

Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.

Scot: Aye, so do I.

Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?

Scot: Aye, neither do I.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So you are circumcised?

Scot: Aye, I be that too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel
comfortable with that.

Scot: Ach, away with ya man. I know that you have to be a Protestant
to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic
to become a Knight of Saint Columbus. But this is the first time I
heard, that you have to be a complete shmuck to join a golf club.









The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... .doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.

'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg...no mattah...all same



ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME !!
>
> His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell
phone
> to call the local airport to charter a flight.
>
> He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
>
> Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
>
> He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's
go'.
>
> The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
>
> Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the
> valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the
> hillsides.'
>
> 'Why?' asked the pilot.
>
> 'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get
> some close up shots.'
>
> The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So,
> what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'


A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: " I didn't recognize you."




JEWISH HUMOR

During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the
Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half
remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling
at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled
at the ones sitting to stand up. The rabbi, learned as he
was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do.

His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound
98 year old man who was one of the original founders of
their temple. The rabbi hoped The elderly man would be
able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so
he went to the nursing home with a representative of
each faction of the congregation.

The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man,
"Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?"

The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

The one whose followers sat said,"Then the tradition is to sit
during Shema!"

The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."

Then the rabbi said to the old man,
"But the congregants fight all the time,
yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand."

The old man interrupted, exclaiming,
"THAT is the tradition!"

>< Evening Prayers When young David was asked by his father to say the evening prayer, he realized he didn't have his head covered...so he asked his little brother Henry to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over. Henry grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand. The father said, "This is important...put your hand back on his head!" to which Henry exclaimed, "What, am I my brother's kipah?" >< Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them. The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger." The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's." They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres." Roger looks down at him and say, "300 Acres? What do you raise?" "Nothing" Irving says. "Well then, what do you call it?" Asked John. "Downtown Dallas." >< Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful during his time away. Who was it!!!???" he yells. "That alta kakker Goldstein?" "No," replied his wife. "It wasn't Goldstein." "Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?" "No, not him." "Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!" "No, it wasn't Rabinovich either..." Morris was now fuming. "What's the matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good enough for you?" >< Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?" She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle . . . he gave me a longer cane." DOG Morty visits Dr. Goldberg, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem." Dr. Goldberg says, "So, tell me." "It's a Jewish dog. His name is Seth and he can talk," says Morty. "He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks. "Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: " Seth, fetch!" Seth, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!" Dr. Goldberg is amazed, "This is remarkable! So, what's the problem?" Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'fetch,' not 'kvetch." Selling to Israelis


A disappointed salesman of Coca-Cola returned from his assignment to Israel.

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Israelis?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch.
But I had a problem. I didn't know how to speak Hebrew. So I planned to convey the message through three posters.

First poster : A man lying in the hot desert sand totally exhausted and fainting

Second poster : The man is drinking Coca-Cola

Third poster : Our man is now totally refreshed

And then these posters were pasted all over the place.

"Terrific! That should have worked!" said the friend.
"The hell it should have!" said the salesman.
"No one told me they read from right to left!"





Viagra on Shabbat?

A TALMUDIC QUESTION

A well respected San Francisco psychoanalyst raises the following question in the hopes that Talmudic scholars might think more about it:
Is it okay for Jews to take Viagra on Shabbat?

One rabbi says that Jewish law forbids the ingestion of Viagra on Shabbat, lest one violate the infraction of erecting a structure on the Sabbath.
But another rabbi says that as a medication which adds pleasure to the Sabbath (not to mention the rest of the week), it is permissible. However, taking Viagra is taboo during Passover - as well as any other agent that causes things to rise.
Which raises (you'll excuse the expression) yet another question: What blessing does an observant Jew say before taking the Viagra pill?


There is a choice of three blessings:

1. Boruch Atah HaShem zokeif kfuffim -- Bless you Lord for straightening those who are bent.
2. Boruch Atah HaShem yaaleh vyavo -- Bless you Lord for causing things to arise and come.
3. Boruch Atah HaShem mechayei hameitim -- Bless you Lord for raising the dead.

Amen
=

Jewish Indians




A family of Schmohawk Indians was sitting around the shtetl one night; the papa, Geronowitz; the mama, Pocayenta; and the beautiful young daughter, Minihorwitz.


"So, nu," says the daughter, "you'll never believe."

"What?" says the mama.

Today, at high noon, I was proposed to in marriage."

"Yes?" says the mama, "So what did you say?"

"I said Yes."

"You said Yes?"

"I said Yes."

"That's wonderful," says the mama. "She said Yes! Did you hear that Geronowitz? Minihorwitz is getting married!"

"I heard," says the papa, "I'm kvelling. So who's the lucky boy?"

"Sittin' Bagel."

"Sittin' Bagel?" says the mama, "of the SoSiouxMe tribe?"


"That's the one," says Minihorowitz.

"Oy, Geronowitz! The SoSiouxMe's! There are so many of them! How can we feed them? How can we get them all in our teepee for the wedding?"

"We'll think of something," says Geronowitz.

"Geronowitz! Get me a buffalo!" says the mama.

"What, at this hour?"

"No, Geronowitz, for the wedding! I can make buffalo tzimmes from the meat, and we can make an extra teepee from the hide. Get me a buffalo!"

So Geronowitz goes out to hunt a buffalo. A day goes by, and a night and Geronowitz has not come back. Another day and another night, and still no sign of him. Another day and half the night, and Geronowitz comes home - Exhausted, Staggering and empty-handed.

Geronowitz! I've been worried sick. Where have you been? And where's my buffalo?!"

"It's like this," he says. "On my first day out, I hunted high, and I hunted low, and I finally found a buffalo. But this buffalo, he made Mickey Rooney look strong. It was a tiny, scrawny little buffalo, with no meat on his bones for buffalo tzimmes, and barely enough hide for a rain hat. So I settled in for the night to try again the next day.

"The second day, I looked high, and I looked low, from this way and that way, and I finally found a buffalo. He was a big buffalo, with lots of meat, and lots of hide, but I tell you, Pocayenta, this was the ugliest buffalo I ever saw in my life. 'This', I thought to myself, 'is not the buffalo for MY daughter's wedding. So again, I settled in for the night to try again the next day.

"The third day, I got up early, and I looked high and I looked low, from this way and that way, going up hills and down hills, suddenly, there it was! A magnificent buffalo. It was a big buffalo. It was, as buffalos go, a beautiful buffalo. It was, if I say so myself, the perfect buffalo. This, I says to myself, is the buffalo Pocayenta wants for Minihorowitz's wedding.

"So I reach into! my backpack quietly for my tomahawk and, as I tiptoe over to the buffalo, I raise my tomahawk slowly over the buffalo's neck, when suddenly, like a bolt of lightning from the sky, I see it."

"See what?" says Pocayenta.

"I've brought the milchedik tomahawk!




JEWISH HUMOR
During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the
Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half
remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those
standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones
sitting to stand up. The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and
commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested
that he consult a housebound 98 year old man who was one of the
original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped The elderly man
would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so
he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of
the congregation.
The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is
the tradition to stand during this prayer?"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
The one whose followers sat said,"Then the tradition is to sit
during Shema!"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
Then the rabbi said to the old man, "But the congregants fight all
the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand."
The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is the tradition!"
__________________________________________________
Evening Prayers
When young David was asked by his father to say the evening prayer,
he realized he didn't have his head covered...so he asked his little
brother Henry to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over.
Henry grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand. The
father said, "This is important...put your hand back on his head!"
to which Henry exclaimed, "What, am I my brother's kipah?"
____________________________________________

Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish
Texan is sitting between them. The first Texan says, "My name is
Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they
call my place The Jolly Roger."
The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I
have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."
They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving
and I own only 300 acres." Roger looks down at him and say, "300
Acres? What do you raise?" "Nothing" Irving says.
"Well then, what do you call it?" Asked John. "Downtown Dallas."
_______________________________________________

Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife
has been unfaithful during his time away. Who was it!!!???" he
yells. "That alta kakker Goldstein?" "No," replied his wife. "It
wasn't Goldstein." "Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?" "No, not him."
"Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!" "No, it wasn't
Rabinovich either..."
Morris was now fuming.
"What's the matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good enough
for you?"
________________________________________________________
Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had
waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent
over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her
turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly emerged
within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held
high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up
to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent
in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle . . . he gave me a longer cane."




The Atkins Schmaltz Diet:



If you get this and you are not Jewish - I cannot even begin to explain it to you-

This actually goes back 2 generations - or 3 if you are over 50! It also explains why many Jewish men died in their early 60's with a non-functional cardiovascular system and looked like today's men at 89 !!

The Atkins Schmaltz Diet.

Before we start, there are some variations in ingredients because of the various types of Jewish taste. (Polack, Litvack and Gallicianer). Just as we Jews have six seasons of the year (winter,spring, summer, fall, the slack season, and the busy season), we all focus on a main ingredient which, unfortunately and undeservedly, has disappeared from our diet. I'm talking, of course, about SCHMALTZ (chicken fat). SCHMALTZ has, for centuries, been the prime ingredient in almost every Jewish dish, and I feel it's time to revive it to its rightful place in our homes. (I have plans to distribute it in a green glass Gucci bottle with a label clearly saying: "low fat, no cholesterol, Newman 'so Choice, extra virgin SCHMALTZ." (It can't miss!)

Then there are grebenes -- pieces of chicken skin, deep fried in SCHMALTZ, onions and salt until crispy brown (Jewish bacon). This makes a great appetizer for the next cardiologist's convention..

There's also a nice chicken fricassee (stew) using the heart, gorgle (neck), pipick (a great delicacy, given to the favorite child, usually me), a fleegle (wing) or two, some ayelech (little premature eggs) and other various chicken innards, in a broth of SCHMALTZ, water, paprika, etc.

We also have knishes (filled dough) and the eternal question, "Will that be liver, beef or potatoes, or all three?"

Other time-tested favorites are kishkeh, and its poor cousin, helzel (chicken or goose neck).

Kishkeh is the gut of the cow, bought by the foot at the Kosher butcher. It is turned inside out, scalded and scraped. One end is sewn up and a mixture of flour, SCHMALTZ, onions, eggs, salt, pepper, etc., is spooned into the open end and squished down until it is full. The other end is sewn and the whole thing is boiled. Yummy!

My personal all-time favorite is watching my Zaida (grandpa) munch on boiled chicken feet.

For our next course we always had chicken soup with pieces of yellow-white, rubbery chicken skin floating in a greasy sea of lokshen (noodles), farfel (broken bits of matzah), tzibbeles (onions), mondlech (soup nuts), kneidlach (dumplings), kasha, (groats), kliskelech and marech (marrow bones).

The main course, as I recall, was either boiled chicken, flanken, kackletten (hockfleish--chopped meat), and sometimes rib steaks, which were served either well done, burned or cremated.

Occasionally we had barbecued liver done to a burned and hardened perfection in our own coal furnace.Since we couldn't have milk with our meat meals, beverages consisted of cheap soda (Kik, Dominion Dry, seltzer in the spritz bottles). (and black cherry vishniak)



Growing up Jewish:

If you are Jewish, and grew up in city with a large Jewish
population, or are gentile with Jewish friends or associates, the
following will invoke heartfelt memories, so read on.........

The Yiddish word for Today is PULKES (PUHL-kees) Translation:
THIGHS. Please note: this word has been traced back to the language of
one of the original Tribes of Israel, the Cellulites.

The only good advice that your Jewish mother gave you was:"Go!
You might meet somebody!"

You grew up thinking it was normal for someone to shout "Are you
okay?" through the bathroom door when you were in there longer than 3
minutes.

Your family dog responded to commands in Yiddish.

Every Saturday morning your father went to the neighborhood deli
(called an "appetitizing store") for whitefish salad, whitefish
"chubs"), lox (nova if you were rich!), herring, corned beef, roast
beef, cole slaw, potato salad, a 1/2-dozen huge barrel pickles which you
reached into the brine for, a dozen assorted bagels, cream cheese and
rye bread (sliced while he waited). All of which would be strictly
off-limits until Sunday morning.

Every Sunday afternoon was spent visiting your grandparents
and/or other relatives.

You experienced the phenomenon of 50 people fitting into a
10-foot-wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying
to get to a deli tray.

You had at least one female relative who penciled on eyebrows
which were always asymmetrical.

You thought pasta was stuff used exclusively for Kugel and kasha
with bowties.

You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.

You were as tall as your grandfather by age seven and a half.

You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 5
standard suffixes (berg, baum, man, stein and witz). (what about sky or off? )

You were surprised to discover that wine doesn't always taste
like cranberry sauce.

You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.

When your mother smacked you really hard, she continued to make
you feel bad for hurting her hand.

You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.

You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them
correctly in context, yet you don't know exactly what they mean.
Kaynahurra.

You're still angry at your parents for not speaking both Yiddish
and English to you when you were a baby.

You have at least one ancestor who is somehow related to your
spouse's ancestor.

Your grandparents' newly washed linoleum floor was covered with
the NY Times, which your grandparents couldn't read.

You thought speaking loud was normal.

You considered your Bar or Bat Mitzvah a "Get Out of Hebrew
School Free" card.

You think eating half a jar of dill pickles is a wholesome
snack.

You're compelled to mention your grandmother's "steel
cannonballs" upon seeing fluffy matzo balls served at restaurants..

You buy 3 shopping bags worth of hot bagels on every trip to NYC
and ship them home via FedEx. (Or, if you live near NYC or Philadelphia
or another Jewish city hub, you drive 3 hours just to buy a dozen "real"
bagels.) (or knishes from Brighton Beach )

Your mother or grandmother took personal pride when a Jew was
noted for some accomplishment (showbiz, medicine, politics, etc.) and
was ashamed and embarrassed when a Jew was accused of a crime .. as if
they were relatives.

You thought only non-Jews went to sleep away colleges. Jews went
to city schools ... unless they had scholarships or made an Ivy League
school.

And finally, you knew that Sunday night and the night after any
Jewish holiday was designated for Chinese food.

Zei gezunt!! (be healthy






Bernie Cohen, the WASP.



Bernie Cohen retires from the New York office of Merrill
Lynch after being a broker for 30 years.

A friend asks him what he intends to do in retirement.

Bernie responds, "The first thing I am going to do is join
the New York Racquet Club!"

His friend says he can't join because they don't accept Jews.

Bernie says, "Not to worry. I know how to get in."

So the next week, outfitted like the perfect WASP -
blue blazer, white shirt, rep tie, khaki pants, deck shoes
sans socks - he goes to the Club and asks to join.

The Club Secretary asks him a few questions:
"What is your name?"

"Bernard Vanderhaven."

"Where do you live?
"Southampton, New York."

"What is your net worth?"
“Eight million dollars."

"What is your wife's name?"
"Melanie."
"
Any children?"
"Yes, two daughters, ages eight and six, Buffy and Muffy."

"And what is your religion?"
"Goyim."



Those fabulous Jewish
Comedians



You may remember the
old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville
days:
Shecky Greene,
Red Buttons,
Totie Fields,
Joey Bishop,
Milton Berle,
Jan Murray,
Danny Kaye,
Henny Youngman,
Buddy Hackett,
Sid Caesar,
Groucho Marx,
Jackie Mason,
Victor Borge,
Woody Allen,
Joan Rivers,
Lenny Bruce,
George Burns,
Allan Sherman,
Jerry Lewis,
Peter Sellers,
Carl Reiner,
Shelley Berman,
Gene Wilder,
George Jessel,
Alan King,
Mel Brooks,
Phil Silvers,
Jack Carter,
Rodney Dangerfield,
Don Rickles,
Jack Benny
and so many others.





And there was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples:

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.



* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!



* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"



* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends
less than my wife did.



* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.



* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.



* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .



* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.


* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.



* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. " Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"



* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I am 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"




* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."

Doctor: "Don't answer!"



* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."

The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."




* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.


The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won
Ton spelled backward is Not
Now.




There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.




Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?

A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?

A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!



A man called his mother in Florida ,

"Mom, how are you?"

" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38
days."

The son said, "That's terrible.

Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."



A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks,

"What part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."

"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."



Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: (Sigh) n't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."




Short summary of every Jewish holiday:

They tried to kill us. We won.
Let's eat.




Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."

"Force yourself," she replied.





Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?

A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.





Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?

A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20% off.

~~~~~~~~~



> FINALLY - A Great Alternative to A Body Scan at Airports.
>
>>
>> The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports.
>>
>> They have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.
>>
>> They see this as a win-win for everyone and there would be none of this junk about racial profiling.
>>
>> This method would also eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift. Case Closed!
>>
>> You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.
>> Shortly thereafter, an announcement comes over the PA system...
>>
>> "Attention standby passengers - we now have a seat available on El Al flight number 386.


Kol Nidre night.

Sidney telephones Rabbi Levy. He says, "Rabbi, I know
tonight is Kol Nidre night, but tonight the Spurs are in the
European Cup quarter finals. Rabbi, I'm a life long
Spurs fan. I've got to watch the Spurs game on TV!"

Rabbi Levy replies, "Sidney, that's what video recorders
are for."

Sidney is surprised. "You mean.... I can tape Kol Nidre"?





Grandparents phone message
Good morning. . . .
At present we are not at home but, please leave a message after you hear the beep.

beeeeeeep ....

If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2

If you want to borrow the car, press 3

If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4

If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5

If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6

If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7

If you want to come to eat here, press 8

If you need money, dial 9

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or taking us to the theater start talking we are listening !!"






Jewish Wisdom...
A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi and asks, "Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me,who will be the lucky one?''
The wise old Rabbi answers: "Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one.
=============================================
If a married Jewish man is walking alone in a park and expresses an opinion without anybody hearing him, is he still wrong?
============================================
My father says, "Marry a girl who has the same belief as the family." I said, "Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I'm a schmuck?"
============================================
Jewish Marriage advice: "Don't marry a beautiful person. They may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But who cares?"
============================================
Morris went to his rabbi for some needed advice. "Rabbi, tell me is it proper for one man to profit from another man's mistakes?" "No Morris, a man should not profit from another's man mistakes" answered the rabbi. "Are you sure Rabbi?" "Of course, I'm sure, in fact I'm positive" exclaimed the Rabbi.
"Ok, Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about returning the two hundred dollars I gave you for marrying me to my wife?"
=============================================
The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."
======================================================
Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave."




The Mezuzah...

Opening his front door, a Rabbi found himself face to face with the local

Priest. "Rabbi, may I have a few words with you?" asked the priest.



"Of course, Reverend," replied the Rabbi somewhat nervously.



"Rabbi," began the priest, "It must be evident to you that in this town we

Are plagued by thieves. Scarcely a day passes without one of my flock

Coming to me bemoaning the fact that his house has been broken into. On the

Other hand, I have noticed that thieves do not bother you Jews nearly as

Much."



"Reverend, you are correct."



"Yes, but why is that?" inquired the priest.



"Look at this little box here on the side of my doorpost," said the Rabbi.

"It's called a mezuza. We Jews believe that when we put a mezuza on the

Entrances to our houses, the Holy One, may His Name be blessed, protects

Both us and our property."



"In that case", replied the priest, "I must have one!"



Not wishing to be the cause of an incipient pogrom, the Rabbi reluctantly

Handed over a mezuza to the priest.



Two weeks later the Rabbi was awakened by the sound of someone

Pounding violently on his door. Dressing himself hastily, he made his way

Down the stairs.



"Who's there?" the Rabbi asked tremulously.



"Open the door! Open the door!" screamed a voice on the other side.



Leaving the door on the latch, the Rabbi cracked the door wide enough to

See the priest standing in front of him, his eyes wild with great

Distraught.



"What happened?" asked the terrified Rabbi. "Were you not protected from

Robbers?"



"I was! But these people were worse than robbers!" screamed the priest.



"Who?" asked the rabbi.



"Fundraisers"




holy men



A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan Universityin Marquette, MI. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs,went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.

So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.

He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, .......circumcision may not have been the best way to start."




Moishe Plotnik's Laundry





Walking through San Francisco 's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwestwas enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners..... .







When he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign, 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry.'

'Moishe Plotnik?' he wondered. 'How does that belong in Chinatown ?'

He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking dry cleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo'Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry.' The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.

The tourist asked, 'Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry?''

The old man answered, 'Ah..Evleebody ask me dat. It name of owner.'

Looking around, the tourist asked, 'Is he here now?'

'It me, Me him!' replied the old man.


'Really? You're Chinese.
How did you ever get a Jewish name like Moishe Plotnik?'
'
It simple' said the old man. 'Many, many year ago I come to this country. I, standing in line at ' DocumentCenter of Immiglation.'
Man in front of me was man from Poland ..'




'Lady at counter look at him and say to him, 'What you name?'
He say to her, 'Moishe Plotnik.'

Then she look at me and say, 'What your name?'

I say,'Sam Ting.'








Secret to long marriage



At a synagogue in New York City, they have marriage seminars for the community. Some are for women, some for their husbands and some they attend
together.

At the men’s seminar last week, the rabbi asked Shlomo about his marriage. Shlomo replied that he had been married for almost 50 years. The rabbi was impressed and asked him to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Shlomo replied to the assembled husbands, “Nu, I’ve tried to treat her
nice, spend money on her, let her keep a Kosher home, take her on trips and
never look at other women. Best of all, I took her to Israel for our 25th anniversary!”

The rabbi responded, “Shlomo, you are an amazing inspiration to all the
husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your
50th anniversary?”

Shlomo proudly replied, "I'm going back to Israel to pick her up."








Rabbi's punishment
Oh, Rabbi.....

Ninety year old Abe dies and goes to heaven. The first person he sees there is his own rabbi, Rabbi Bloom, who had died a few months earlier. Abe was shocked to see the rabbi sitting in a heavenly chair with a very busty and tarty-looking blonde on his lap.

"Oh rabbi," cries Abe, "how could you? In all the time I knew you, you were always the most righteous of men. What has happened to you?
Why are you acting in such a disgusting way? Is she your ….. reward?"

"My dear Abe," replies Rabbi Bloom, "you are unfortunately misreading
the situation. She is not my reward...... I am her punishment."


A Jew at Mass
Abe has a job that takes him all over the country. One day he has difficulty finding a synagogue in one of the towns, so figuring that G~d is everywhere, he decides to go into a local Church to worship.
He takes out his Tallis, puts on his yarmulke and dresses himself, and proceeds to pray.
The Priest comes in and wants to start the Services. However having heard the whispers from some of his congregants, he stands up and says, "Will all non-Catholics please leave."
Abe goes right on davening.

Next request, again, "Will all non-Catholics please leave."

Nobody moves. Nobody responds.
Finally, the Priest gets up and says, "Will ALL JEWS please leave!"

At this Abe gets up, folds his Tallis, and packs it away. He then takes off his yarmulke and puts it away.
Then he goes to the altar, picks up a statue of the baby Jesus, and says these immortal words:
...

...

...

...
"Come bubbela, they don't want us here anymore."







A disappointed salesman of Coca-Cola returned from his assignment to Israel.

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Israelis?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch. but I had a problem. I didn't know how to speak Hebrew. So I planned to convey the message through three posters.



First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster :The man is drinking Coca-Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.
And then these posters were pasted all over the place.

"Terrific! That should have worked!" said the friend.
"The hell it should have!" said the salesman.
"No one told me they read from right to left!"



Jewish mind
Only if you are Jewish (or very friendly with Jews and therefore intuitively understand the Jewish mind) will you understand this reasoning:

After months of negotiation with the authorities, a Talmudist from Odessa was finally granted permission to visit Moscow . He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop, a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and he thought:

This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, so if he is no peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish district.

But on the other hand, since he is a Jew, where could he be going? I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow . Ahh, wait! Just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't need special permission to go to Samvet. But why would he travel to Samvet? He is surely going to visit one of the Jewish families there. But how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Aha, only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. But since the Bernsteins are a terrible family, such a nice looking fellow like him, he must be visiting the Steinbergs.

But why is he going to the Steinbergs in Samvet? The Steinbergs have only daughters, two of them, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? They say that Sarah Steinberg married a nice lawyer from Budapest , and Esther married a businessman from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken.

But if he came from Budapest , with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? It is Kovacs. But since they allowed him to change his name, he must have special status to change it. What could it be? Must be a doctorate from the University. Nothing less would do.

At this point, therefore, the scholar of Talmud turns to the young man and says, "Excuse me. Do you mind if I open the window, Dr. Kovacs?"
"Not at all," answered the startled co-passenger. "But how is it that you know my name?"
"Ahhh," replied the Talmudist, "It was obvious."


HOLY HUMOR


A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, 'I know what the Bible means!'

His father smiled and replied, 'What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

"The son replied, 'I do know!'"

"'Okay,' said his father. 'What does the Bible mean?'"

"'That's easy, Daddy...' the young boy replied excitedly,' It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

=======

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

'Is there anything breakable in here?' asked the postal clerk.

'Only the Ten Commandments.' answered the lady.

========

'Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.

There are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good morning, Lord,' and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, ‘Good Lord, it's morning.'

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: 'I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.'

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note 'I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.'

========

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: 'I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.'

========"

"While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... 'Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.'

========

A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with a question, 'Boys and girls, what do we know about God?' A hand shot up in the air. 'He is an artist!' said the kindergarten boy. 'Really? How do you know?' the teacher asked. 'You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven.... '"

"========"

"A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. 'Reverend,' said the young man, 'I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.' The minister chuckled, 'I know what you mean. It's the same in my business.'

========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

========

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, 'Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt.' Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said 'Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.'

========

The Rabbi was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play 'Here's a copy of the service,' he said impatiently. 'But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.' During the service, the minister paused and said, 'Brothers and Sisters"," we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you
who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up'. At that moment, the substitute organist played the Alenu.' And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!


WARNING !!

BEWARE OF TERRORIST GROUPS IN SYNAGOGUES

Latest news reports are that five terrorist cell groups have been operating in many of our synagogues. They have been identified as:
Bin Sleepin, Bin Arguin, Bin Fightin, Bin Complainin, and Bin Missin.

Their leader, Mr Yetz R Hora (Bin Workin) trained these groups to desrupt the services. The plan is to come into the synagogues disguised as Jews and to work within the synagogue to discourage, disrupt, and destroy..

However, there have been reports of a sixth group. A tiny cell known by the name Bin Prayin is actually the only effective counter terrorism force in the synagogue. Unlike the other terrorist cells, the Bin Prayin group does not blend in or follow with whoever and whatever comes along.

Bin Prayin does whatever is needs to have kavana (concentration) and encourage the decorum of the synagogue. We have noticed that the Bin Prayin cell group has different characteristics than the others. They have Bin Focusin, Bin Standin Longer, Bin Amenin, Bin Respectin and have just been in awe at being in front of the King our Master.

NO SYNAGOGUE IS EXEMPT!

(However, you can spot them if you bin lookin and bin goin.)





There are many forms of Judaism:

Cardiac Judaism ---------- in my heart I am a Jew.
Gastronomic Judaism --------- we eat Jewish foods.
Pocketbook Judaism --------- I give to Jewish causes.
Drop-off Judaism --------- drop the kids off at Sunday School; go out to breakfast.
Twice a Year Judaism -------------- attend service Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.

You know you grew up Jewish when:

You did not respond to the teacher calling roll on the first day of school because you thought your name was "Princess".

You've had at least one female relative who drew eyebrows on her face that were always asymmetrical.

You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef "brisket."

Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish.

Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting with your grandparents.

You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates & forks trying to get to a deli tray.

You thought pasta was the stuff used exclusively for kugel and kasha with bowties.

You watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan every Sunday night.

You were as tall as your grandmother by age seven.

You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 6 standard suffixes (-man,-witz, -berg, -stein, -blatt or -baum).

You grew up and were surprised to find out that wine doesn't always taste like year-old cranberry sauce.

You can look at gefilte fish without turning green.

You grew up thinking there was a fish called lox.

You can understand some Yiddish but you can't speak it.

You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean.

Is that Kenahurra or is that kaninehurra? (I say it's kenahurra)

You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse's ancestor

You grew up thinking it was normal for someone to shout "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you were in there for longer than 3 minutes.

You have at least six male relatives named Mark(c), Michael or David.

Your grandparent's furniture smelled like mothballs, was covered in plastic and was as comfortable as sitting on sandpaper.





Wednesday, February 17, 2010
WW 3 and the Jews
The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the equivalent of
a 4-star general in the U.S. ) gave a lecture on Potential Problems and
Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any
questions.






An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war? And will
Russia take part in it?"
The general answered both questions in the affirmative.


Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?"
The general replied, "All indications point to China ."


Everyone in the audience was shocked. A third officer remarked, "General,
we a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can
we win at all, or even survive?"


The general answered, "Just think about this for a moment: In modern
warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters but the quality of an
army’s capabilities. For example, in the Middle East we have had a few
wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and
Israel was always victorious."

After a small pause, yet another officer from the back of the auditorium
asked, "Do we have enough Jews???"

Thursday, February 4, 2010
more goodies
JEWISH HUMOR

It's the yahrtzeit of Herman Mendelbaum's death and his widowdecides to make a pilgrimage to the cemetery to recite a prayer over his graveand place a small stone, as is the tradition, to show that the deceased isremembered.
She arrives at the cemetery, but it being a while since she had been there, sheis confused and cannot find poor Herman's grave site. Finally, she comes acrossa grounds-keeper who escorts her to a small chapel on the cemetery groundswhere the records are kept. Pouring over large maps and lists, he finally turnsto the widow and says,
"I can find no record of a Herman Mendelbaum buried here. Theclosest I can find is a Sadie Mendelbaum."
"That's him!" she exclaims. "He always puteverything in my name."
__________________________________________________
13 Children
A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nunwalked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and ailing. The manand nun started talking and she asked about his life. He talked about his wifeand 13 children.
"My, my," said the nun, "13 children . . .
You're a good, proper Catholic family. God is very proud of you!"
"I'm sorry, Sister," he said, "I am not Catholic.I'm Jewish."
"Jewish!?" she replies and immediately gets up to leave.
"Sister,why are you leaving?"
"I didn't realize I was talking to a sex maniac!"
__________________________________________
________________________________________________
Going to Die
At the conclusion of the physical exam the doctor summoned hispatient into his office with a grave look on his face. "I hate to be theone to break it to you, Fred," he said, "but I'm afraid you have onlysix months to live."
"Oh, my gosh," gasped Fred, turning white.
When the news had sunk in, he said, "Listen, Doc, you've known me a longtime.
Do you have any suggestions as to how I could make the most of my remainingmonths?"
"Have you ever married?" asked the doctor.
Fred explained that he'd been a bachelor all his life.
"You might think about taking a wife," the doctorproposed. "After all, you'll need someone to look after you during thefinal illness."
"That's a good point, Doc," mused Fred.
"And with only six months to live I'd better make the most of mytime."
"May I make one more suggestion?" asked the doctor. WhenFred nodded, he said, "Marry a Jewish girl."
"A Jewish girl, how come?"
"It'll seem longer."
____________________________________________
Call the Priest
It was a dark and stormy night, and Mendelson,an old man, knew that the end was near. "Call the priest," he said tohis wife, "and tell him to come right away." "The priest? Max,you're delirious. You mean the rabbi!"
"No," said Mendelson, "I mean the priest.
Why disturb the rabbi on a night like this?"
_________________________________________________
Brisket Just Like Bubbe Made It
A young Jewish mother is preparing a Brisket one Friday forShabbat dinner Her daughter watches with interest as the mother slices off theends of the Brisket before placing it in the roasting pan. The young girl asksher mother why she did this.
The mother pauses for a moment and then says, "You know, I'mnot sure.
This is the way I always saw my mother make a brisket.
Let's call Grandma and ask her."
So, she phones her mother and asks why they always slice the endsoff the brisket before roasting.
The Grandmother thinks for a moment and then says, "You know,I'm not sure why, this is the way I always saw MY mother make a brisket."
Now the two women are very curious, so they pay a visit to thegreat-grandmother in the nursing home.
"You know when we make a brisket," they explain,"we always slice off the ends before roasting. Why is that?"
"I don't know why YOU do it," says the old woman,"but I never had a pan that was large enough!"
___________________________________________-
Italian and Jewish Mothers
What is the difference between an Italian mother whose son won'teat her cooking and a Jewish mother whose son won't eat her cooking?
The Italian mother kills her son. The Jewish mother kills herself.
__________________________________________
Bar Mitzvah Definition
A Bar Mizvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to therealization that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he isto play for one.
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 8:43 AM 0 comments
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
loads of good stuff
As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you must starve and days on which you must overeat.


Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren't.


Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking.


Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Ash Wednesday), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out.


The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:
Rosh Hashanah ------- Feast
Tzom Gedalia ----------- Fast
Yom Kippur -------------- More fasting
Sukkot -------------------- Feast for a week +
Hashanah Rabba ---- More feasting
Simchat Torah --------- Keep right on feasting
Month of Heshvan ----- No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.
Hanukkah ---------------- Eat potato pancakes
Tenth of Tevet --------- Do not eat potato pancakes
Tu B'Shevat ------------ Feast
Fast of Esther ---------Fast
Purim --------------------- Eat pastry
Passover ---------------- Do not eat pastry for a week
Shavuot ------------------ Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes, etc.)
17th of Tammuz -------- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
Tisha B'Av ----------------- Serious fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
Month of Elul ------------ End of cycle.
Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again.


Sadie had died and today was her levoyah. Her husband, Nathan and many of their family and friends were standing 'round the grave as Sadie’s coffin was lowered into the ground. Then, as is the custom, many of the mourners picked up some spades and helped fill the open grave with earth.

But, on their way back to the prayer hall, the sky suddenly darkened, rain started to fall, flashes of lightening filled the sky and loud thunder claps battered their ears.

Nathan turns to his rabbi and says, "Well rabbi, she’s arrived OK."
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 7:21 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
can't get away from the Yiddish
'Moving Up' With Sadie and Abe

Sadie and Abe had moved to the suburbs now, and joined the new, very elite Country Club. One evening before they went out for dinner at the club, Abe decided to give his wife a bit of advice.

"Sadie" he said, "ven ve go to dee club, and dee vaiter esks you vaht you vahnt for ah drink.....please don't say `ah glass Manishevitz.' At a club like dis, you don't ask for Manishevitz vine."

"No, Abie?" she replied .... "not Manishevitz ....vot should I esk
for ?"

Abie answered, "You should esk for ah Martini....... Everybody drinks Martini's now .... You don't esk for Manishevitz. ....Please Sadie, just say you vahnt ah Martini..... You'll like it. Okay ?"

With that, Sadie agreed she would not ask for Manishevitz wine, and it'll be Martini's for her. That evening at the club, when the waiter approached their table to take their order for drinks, Sadie was well prepared. The meticulously attired waiter asked, "Ma'am, may I bring you a cocktail ?"

Sadie was ready and proudly announced, "Yes, I'll have ah Martini."

"Dry ?" questioned the waiter.

"No," replied Sadie "tzvay iz gay-nuug." (2 is enough.)
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 9:05 AM 0 comments
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Jewish skiing disadvantage
The Yeshiva Skier


In a slalom race, the skier must pass through about 20 gates in the fastest time.


Well, it happened that a very Orthodox Yeshiva in Montreal had an exceptional skier among its students. So fast, that in practice, with tzitzis streaming out behind, he had beaten the world record several times.

After first checking to make sure none of the men's slalom races would be on the Sabbath, he tried out for and made the Canadian Winter Olympic team.


With his times in the trial heats, he was the favorite for an Olympic gold medal.


Came the day of the final, the crowd waited in anticipation.


The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds.
The Swiss in 38.7 seconds.
The German in 37.8 seconds.
The Italian in 38.1 seconds.


Then came the turn of the Canadian Yeshiva bocher. The crowd waited, and waited . .. . .


Finally, after a full five minutes, he crossed the finish line.


"What happened to you?" screamed his coach when the skier finally arrived.


Breathing hard, the exhausted yeshiva student replied, "All right, who's the wise guy who put a mezuzah on every gate

Sunday, January 10, 2010
the next magical fuel
Becky, who belonged to a synagogue group devoted to
visiting and helping the sick members of her congregation,
was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients
when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station
was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow
a gas can and buy some gas.


The attendant told her the only gas can he owned had
been loaned out but she could wait until it was returned.
Since Becky was on the way to see another patient, and behind schedule, she decided not to wait and walked back
to her car. She looked for something in her car that she
could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she always had
handy for needy patients.


Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station,
filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car
which was decorated with many Hebrew decals and bumper stickers.


As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched
from across the street. One of them turned to the other and
said: "If it starts, I'm converting to Judaism."
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 7:10 AM 0 comments
Thursday, December 24, 2009
clean the tallis
YANKEL NEEDED TO HAVE HIS TALLES CLEANED.
ROSH HASHANA WAS OVER BUT THERE WAS STILLTIME
UNTIL YOM KIPPUR. SO HE CALLED HIS FRIEND,
AARON, TO ASK WHICH DRY CLEANER TO USE.

AARON SAID, "I ALWAYS TAKE MINE TO MOSHE'S
DRY CLEANERS ON QUEENS BOULEVARD. HE ONLY
CHARGES ME $4.00."

BUT, WHEN YANKEL WHEN THERE, HE DISCOVERED
THE SHOP HAD CHANGED HANDS AND WAS NOW
CALLED KELLEY'S DRY CLEANERS. HE ASKED THE
OWNER, SHAWN, IF HE WAS KEEPING THE PREVIOUS
PRICE CHARGES AND SHAWN ASSURED HIM THAT HE
WAS.

THREE DAYS LATER YANKEL STOPS IN TO PICK UP
HIS GARMENT AND IS GIVEN A BILL FOR $12.00

HE WAS NATURALLY ANGRY AND HE SAID TO SHAWN;
"I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE CHARGING THE SAME
PRICE AS THE PREVIOUS OWNER".

"I DO ," SAID SHAWN. "IT'S $4.00 FOR THE PRAYER
SHAWL AND AN EXTRA $8.00 TO GET ALL THE KNOTS
OUT OF THE FRINGES."
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 7:28 AM 0 comments
live to 101
Rivka and Bernie have been married for fifty years and were being interviewed by a reporter from the Jewish Chronicle.

"So, Rivkah," asks the reporter, "I know today is your Golden Wedding Anniversary, but how old, exactly, are you?"

"I am 78 years old," replies Rivkah, "and, kin-a-hora*, I should live
to be a hundred."

"Well I hope your wish comes true," says the reporter. The reporter then turns to Bernie and asks, "And how old are you, Bernie?"

"I’m also 78 years old," replies Bernie, "and please, God, I should live to be a hundred and one."

"But why," asks the reporter, "do you want to live one year longer than your wife?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," replies Bernie, "I would like to have at least one year of peace and quiet."

*kin-a-hora: Is an expression used to ward off the evil eye......
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 7:22 AM 0 comments
Monday, December 14, 2009
Where is God?
Where is God?!
submitted by: Jewlarious Staff
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a rabbi in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The rabbi agreed and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the rabbi in the afternoon.
The rabbi, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The rabbi repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
So, the rabbi raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 9:31 AM 0 comments
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Which shul is good for sports?
O'Brian loved to play golf and would go out alone to a course and get paired up with any group that needed a fourth. One day he went to his favorite course and the pro said, "I'm sorry O'Brian, but the only group I can put you with is one with three Hassidic rabbis."

O'Brian says, "That's fine with me."

He joins the group and tees off. His shot is about 200 yards out and off to the right rough. Reb Moshe tees off 300 yards straight out into the middle of the fairway. Reb Yitzchak's shot is about 290 and Reb Yaacov's is 300, but slightly off center.

O'Brian has trouble getting out of the rough and four-putts, while the rabbis' approach shots are right on the pin, and each two-putts for par.

The rest of the round is the same, with the rabbi's scores either par or under par, while O'Brian has a 95. He says to them, "You guys must play and practice all the time."

Reb Yitzchak says, "No, we study all the time and only play once a week. But, on our Sabbath, while we are in shul, we say a prayer asking God to give us one good round of golf each week."

O'Brian is so impressed that he goes home and tells his wife that they are converting. They study, convert, join a shul, and go to services every Shabbat.

About a year later, O'Brian runs into the threesome of rabbis at the same course and they invite him to play with them.

The game is exactly like last year's. O'Brian is doing nothing right, and the three are perfect.

At the end, O'Brian says to the rabbis, "I don't understand it. I converted, I joined a shul, pray every week."

Rabbi Moshe says, "You joined a shul? Which one?"

O'Brian says, "Beth Shalom."

Rabbi Moshe says, "No, no, no! Beth Shalom is for tennis!"
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 6:30 PM 0 comments
Friday, November 13, 2009
Hats
Subject: The Rabbi's Hat

One very windy day, a rabbi was on his way to the temple. Suddenly a strong gust of wind blew his streimel (fur hat) off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. He just couldn't catch up with it.

A young gentile man, witnessing this event and being more fit than the rabbi, ran after the hat and caught it. The young gentile man handed the hat over to the rabbi. The rabbi was so pleased and grateful that he gave the man twenty dollars, put his hand on the man's head and blessed him. The young man was very excited about both the tip and the blessing.

The young gentile decided to take his new found wealth to the racetrack. He bet the entire $20 on the first race that he could. After the races the young man returned home and recounted his very exciting day at the races to his father. 'I arrived at the fifth race,' said the young man.'I looked at the racing program and saw a horse by the name of ' Top Hat' was running. The odds on this horse were 100 to 1. It was the longest shot in the field.'

After saving the rabbi's hat, having received the rabbi's blessing, gotten the $20, and seeing ' Top Hat' in the fifth race, I thought this was a message from G-d. So, I bet the entire 20 dollars on Top Hat.' 'An amazing thing happened. The horse that was the longest shot and who did not have the slightest chance to even show, came, in first by 5 lengths.'


'You must have made a fortune,' said the father. Well yes, $2000. But wait, it gets better,' replied the son. 'In the following race, I looked at the program. A horse by the name of 'Stetson' was running. The odds on the horse were 30 to 1'. Stetson being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi's blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse.'

'What happened?' asked the excited father. 'Stetson came in like a rocket. Now I had $60,000!' 'Are you telling me you brought home all this money?' asked his excited father.

'No,' said the son. 'I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named 'Chateau.' So I decided to bet all the money on it because the horse was the heavy favorite and the name also means hat in French. But the horse broke down and came in last.'

'Hat in French is 'Chapeau' not 'Chateau' you moron,' said the father.

'You lost all of the money because of your ignorance. Tell me, what horse won the race?

It was a long shot from Japan named 'Yalmalka' answered the son.
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 2:24 PM 0 comments
Monday, November 9, 2009
Jewish one-liners
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favourite position
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because; I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food in case you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband. "
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go

Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.

Reading enemy newspapers
A Jewish man was sitting in
> > > Starbucks reading an Arab newspaper.
> > > A friend of
> > > his, who happened to in the same store, noticed this strange
> > > phenomenon.
> > >
> > > Very upset, he approached him and said: 'Moshe, have
> > > you lost your
> > > mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?'
> > >
> > > Moshe replied, 'I used to read the Jewish newspapers,
> > > but what did
> > > I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being
> > > attacked, Jews disappearing
> > > through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in
> > > poverty.
> > > So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find?
> > > Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are
> > > all rich
> > > and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much
> > > better!
> > >
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 11:24 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Basic Judaism Holidays and you know you are jewish if
As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you

must starve and days on which you must overeat.



Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the

Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that

you are ritually purified, you definitely aren't.





You know you grew up Jewish when:

You did not respond to the teacher calling roll on the first day of school because you

thought your name was "Princess".

You've had at least one female relative who drew eyebrows on her face that were

always asymmetrical.

You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef "brisket."

Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish.

Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents.

You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide

dining room hitting each other with plastic plates & forks trying to get to a deli tray.

You thought pasta was the stuff used exclusively for kugel and kasha with bowties.

You watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan every Sunday night.

You were as tall as your grandmother by age seven..

You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 6 standard suffixes

(-man,-witz, -berg, -stein, -blatt or -baum).

You grew up and were surprised to find out that wine doesn't always taste

like year-old cranberry sauce.

You can look at gefilte fish without turning green.

You grew up thinking there was a fish called lox.

You can understand some Yiddish but you can't speak it.

You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them

correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean.

Is that Kenahurra or is that kaninehurra? (I say it's kenahurra)

You grew up thinking it was normal for someone to shout

"Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you were

in there for longer than 3 minutes.

You have at least six male relatives named Michael or David.

Your grandparent' s furniture smelled like mothballs, was covered in plastic

and was as comfortable as sitting on sandpaper.
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 6:18 AM 0 comments
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Gay synagogue
Subject: The Gay Synagogue





Just before Rosh Hashanah, a man hears that in San Francisco there's

a gay synagogue. He's very excited, as this sounds like what he's

been yearning for.



He gets there, and sure enough, there's a gay cantor and a gay rabbi,

and the Congregation too is mostly gay. He joins in the service, but

is terribly distracted by the handsome young man sitting next to him.



(There's really no good place to put a mechitza in a gay synagogue.)



Finally, he gives into temptation and puts his hand on the young

man's knee. Immediately two large men wearing leather jackets under

their talleses rush over, pick him up, carry him out of the Shul and toss him down the stairs onto the street.



Why did you do that?" he cried. "I thought this was a gay synagogue."



"It is," replied one of his ejectors, in a deep voice.



"But nobody messes with the rebbetzin."
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 7:42 AM 0 comments
Friday, October 16, 2009
Genesis chapter 1 joke
Two Jokes : God and Man Conversation / Red man( Friend's jokes)?
Man asked God how much is the value of $100 million to you.

God : Its about 1 cent for me.

Man : God how long is 100 years for you.

God : Its about 1 second for me.

Man : God why don’t you give me $100 million its only 1 cent for you.

God : Sure but can you wait 1 second.
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 8:33 AM 0 comments
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Palestinians
Israeli Sense of Humor at UN


An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly which made the world community smile. A representative from Israel began: "Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses. When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, 'What a good opportunity to have a bath!' He removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had

vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them."

The Palestinian representative jumped up furiously and shouted: "What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then."

The Israeli representative smiled and said, "And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech."
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 9:51 AM 0 comments
Thursday, October 8, 2009
The Parrot
Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day
wishing something wonderful would happen in his life, when he passed a
pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish,
'Quawwwwk...vus machts du?'

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. Perfect Yiddish.

The proprietor urged him, 'Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot....'
Meyer did. An African Grey cocked his little head and said: 'Vus? Kenst sprechen Yiddish?' In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his
father's adventures coming to America . About how beautiful his late
wife, Sarah, was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment distric t. About Florida.

The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how lonely he would get on the weekends. They both went to sleep.

Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tefillin, all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do the same. Meyer went out and had a miniature set of tefillin handmade for the parrot.

The parrot wanted to learn to daven and learned every prayer. He even
wanted to learn to read Hebrew. So Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and fellow Jew.
One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not a place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument, so Meyer relented and carried the bird to Shul on his shoulder.

Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned
by everyone, including the Rabbi and the Cantor. They refused to allow
a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer persuaded them to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could daven. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.
All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a
peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, 'Daven!' Everyone is looking at you!'

Nothing.
After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed
his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars..

He marched home, so upset he said nothing to the parrot.

Finally several blocks from the Shul the Parrot began to sing an old
Yiddish song, as happy as a lark.

Meyer stopped and looked at him.

'Why? After I had tefillin made for you and taught you the morning
prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you
begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashana, why? WHY?!? Why did
you do this to me?'

Meyer, don't be a schmuck,' the parrot replied. 'Think of the odds we'll get on Yom Kippur!'
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 8:41 PM 0 comments
Monday, October 5, 2009
Blufers guide to schul
The Bluffer's Guide to Going to Schul

Worried about looking like a lemon in schul? Finding the schul service impossible to follow?

Many people suffer from what is known in religious circles as "Mainstream judaism." No need to worry, however. Our team of spiritual healers have revised a cure, and we are making it available to you exclusively today. Please pass it on to anyone you know who may be suffering in silence. Schul Rules" is your handy-dandy ten-step guide to supreme synagogue confidence:

1. If you arrive after the start don't sit down right away, but instead open the book near the beginning and spend two or three minutes turning slowly through the pages while mumbling under your breath. If you recognize any of the Hebrew words, say one or two of them = little louder so those around you can hear.

2. Find a seat just behind someone who looks like he knows what's going on. (You can tell who this person is because he is likely to be mumbling to himself under his breath). Make sure this person is using the same prayer book =s you. Keep a note of what page he is on by glancing casually over his shoulder every now and again. A pair of strong magnifying glasses may help here.

3. When putting on the tallit, wrap it around your read for a few seconds while mumbling under your breath.

4. Liberally sprinkle your time in schul with more barely audible mumbles =s you look intently at the pages of your siddur. Again, the odd word, phrase or line spoken accurately and a little louder than the rest goes down very well.

5. Don't jump up whenever the person in front does so. He may be stretching his legs. Instead, wait a moment until a significant proportion of the congregation are standing In this way, even if they are all stretching their legs you won't look stupid.

6. See those guys near the front that are wandering around with an air of assurance? These are the shammosim. AVOID EYE CONTACT WITH THESE PEOPLE or you may find yourself being asked to do something strange and unfamiliar like opening the doors of the Aron HaKodesh or, heaven forbid, saying something in Hebrew out loud to e
veryone.

7. The easiest way to look the part is to shockel. I =ave met people who have won international shockeling competitions without having a clue about where in the service they were. Advanced shockelers will even shockel when everyone else is sitting. (Of course, sometimes this may be a disguised leg-stretch).

shockeling is an =ntire lesson in itself, but there are two basic forms. The "lateral swing" is usually seen in ultra-orthodox congregations. Here the =ractitioner is perfectly still from the waist down (feet together, naturally), while the top half of the body repeatedly twists at =peed.

The "Hammerhead" is more prevalent in mainstream orthodox schuls, and, as the name suggests, the congregant looks as if he is trying to hang a nail into the floor with his head. (I say "his" because women =refer to use this time for kibitzing or kvelling over how wonderfully their grandson shockels.)

Shockeling mainly takes place during the silent Amidah This is about 10 pages during which you have no idea =here everyone else is. All you do know is that if the others were really reading all the prayers involved they would be contenders for the world speed-reading record.

You know when it starts because everyone takes three steps back, then three steps forward, then they vow. This is your cue to start shockeling while turning the pages of your prayer book approximately every 15 seconds. The end of the silent amidah is signaled by everyone taking three short steps back, bowing to =he left, the right and the center and then looking around to see if they won.

8. Is the Rabbi speaking in English, and yet you don't begin to understand what in the world he's babbling on =bout? If so, this is the sermon, and it's your job to look alive. Paying attention to the sermon is a skill that may take many years to master rather in the way that one learns how to solve cryptic crosswords. The formula for this particular puzzle is fairly simple: The narrative of Torah portion you have just heard plus something from local or national news equals "you should go to schul more regularly" or "your home isn't kosher enough."

9. Feel free to talk to people near you at any time. Business and sports are particularly appropriate topics =f conversation. Seeking kavanah and listening to the sermon will be segarded with deep suspicion in most communities.

10. If you can =eep your cool until the end of the service you will be rewarded. At last something that is familiar, and a chance to clear your throat and give it some "oomph" as you belt out Ein kelohaynu and Adon olam just like you did at cheder all those years =go.

One final word of warning: If it goes well, and you feel confident enough to go back for a second week running, you will be immediately and automatically classified as a regular. This means there is a very good chance you will be asked to be the next synagogue president.

Friday, September 25, 2009
Jackie Mason on Spanish only
Jackie Mason on Speaking Spanish
There may be those among you who support including Spanish in our national
language. I for one am 110% against this! We must preserve the
exclusivity and above all, the purity of the English language.
To all the shlemiels, shlemazels, nebbishes, nudniks, klutzes, putzes,
shlubs, shmoes, shmucks, no goodniks, and momzers that are out there pushing
Spanish, I just want to say that I, for one, believe that English and only
English deserves linguistic prominence in our American culture. To tell the
truth, it makes me so farklempt, I'm fit to plotz. This whole Spanish
schmeer gets me broyges, specially when I hear these erstwhile mavens and
luftmenschen kvetching about needing to learn Spanish. What chutzpah!
These shmegeges can tout their shlock about the cultural and linguistic
diversity of our country, but I, for one, am not buying their shtick. It's
all so much dreck, as far as I'm concerned. I exhort you all to be menshen
about this and stand up to their fardrayte arguments and meshugganah,
farshtunkene assertions. It wouldn't be kosher to do anything else.
Remember, when all is said and done, we have English and they've got
bubkes! The whole myseh is a pain in my tuchas!
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 4:08 PM 0 comments
who isn't listening
listen joke
guy complains to doc his wife doesn't hear. Doc suggests test-go home walk across room
and ask her what's for dinner. if she doesn't answer cut distance in half if she still does not answer walk right up to her and ask and assess her hearing. Does it. First 2 times nothing. third time-she says "Harry, for the third time. chicken."
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 8:01 AM 0 comments
A real bar mitzvah invite
An Honest Bar Mitzvah Invitation:



It is with great stress, emotional and physical fatigue and incredible
financial sacrifice beyond comprehension,
that we invite you to join us as our wonderful son

Jacob Adam

is called to
the Torah as a Bar Mitzvah.

Saturday, May 12th - (yes we realize its Mother's Day Weekend)
Temple Israel
14 Coleytown Road
Westport, Connecticut 06880

at the ungodly hour of 9:00 am even though you don't really need to be
there until 10:20am to catch the real action.

If you make it through the 3 hour service, please skip the kiddush (its
just cookies and cake) and join us instead for an overly
large and ostentatious Kosher (my husband's idea) evening meal, which
starts at 7:00 PM,
(not 8:00 PM.. or you will miss out on the 2000 canapes).

Birchwood Country Club
25 Kings Hwy S
Westport, CT 06880
(which we had to join just for this event and
you would not believe the initiation fees)

You will be in the presence of lots of
boisterous and expensive entertainment
and 60 to 70 unruly pre-teens wearing expensive dresses, funny hats,
fake bling and brand new white ankle socks...
as well as 80-100 middle aged+ adults, some balding, some with bad toupees,
most will be professionally coiffed, designer attire galore, lots of REAL
bling, and most "tootsed" to the nines. At least 1/3 will be hormonally
challenged and some will act stupid while under the influence. Some will
not even know where or who they are. Some will complain about the food.
Blah Blah Blah.

Please have the courtesy of showing up if you RSVP that you are attending,
or you will be billed for $210.00 a plate if you are a no-show. Please
RSVP as soon as you get this and not a day before the cut-off date. I
can't take the stress.

The gift of choice is either green, or contains a routing and account
number. "Off the top of your head" gifts
and Gift Cards are a waste of your time and ours.

Hope you can make it! Lisa and David Miller

Dress: Black Tie optional
Theme: 007 James Bond

BYO yarmulke. I don't have the strength.
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 5:53 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
various
SIGNS ON SYNAGOGUE
BULLETIN BOARDS


1. Under same management for over 5769 years.

2. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.

3. What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?

4. Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.

5. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University : "The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."

More Jewish Stuff

6. My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.

7. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

9. An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?" Gevarter replies, "I make a nice living ...."



11. Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy." The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy" The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."

12. And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything right?
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 8:56 PM 0 comments
Monday, September 7, 2009
football vs the HOLIDAYS
man who came to his rabbi with a
problem:

Rabbi, Tuesday night is Kol Nidre, and it's also the seventh game of the
World Series. What can I do?

Well, don't you have a video recorder?

That's great, Rabbi, so you mean I can videotape Kol Nidre?
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 4:45 PM 0 comments
Friday, September 4, 2009
tashlich
On the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah, there is a ceremony called Tashlich. Jews traditionally go to the ocean or a stream or river to pray and throw bread crumbs into the water. Symbolically, the fish devour their sins.


Occasionally, people ask what kind of bread crumbs should be thrown. Here are suggestions for breads which may be most appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviors:


For ordinary sins

White Bread
For erotic sins

French Bread
For particularly dark sins

Pumpernickel
For complex sins

Multi-Grain
For twisted sins

Pretzels
For tasteless sins

Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision

Waffles
For sins committed in haste

Matzoh
For sins of chutzpah

Fresh Bread
For substance abuse

Stoned Wheat
For use of heavy drugs

Poppy Seed
For petty larceny

Stollen
For committing auto theft

Caraway
For timidity/cowardice

Milk Toast
For ill-temperedness

Sourdough
For silliness, eccentricity

Nut Bread
For not giving full value

Shortbread
For jingoism, chauvinism

Yankee Doodles
For excessive irony

Rye Bread
For unnecessary chances

Hero Bread
For telling bad jokes/puns

Corn Bread
For war-mongering

Kaiser Rolls
For dressing immodestly

Tarts
For causing injury to others

Tortes
For lechery and promiscuity

Hot Buns
For promiscuity with gentiles

Hot Cross Buns
For racist attitudes

Crackers
For sophisticated racism

Ritz Crackers
For being holier than thou

Bagels
For abrasiveness

Grits
For dropping in without notice

Popovers
For over-eating

Stuffing
For impetuosity

Quick Bread
For indecent photography

Cheesecake
For raising your voice too often

Challah
For pride and egotism

Puff Pastry
For sycophancy, ass-kissing

Brownies
For being overly smothering

Angel Food Cake
For laziness

Any long loaf
For trashing the environment

Dumplings


For those who require a wide selection of crumbs, we suggest a Tashlich Mix available in three grades: Taslich Lite, Medium, and Industrial Strength.
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 2:57 PM 0 comments
Thursday, August 27, 2009
disputation
Several
> centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to
> convert to
> Catholicism or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from
> the
> Jewish
> community, so the Pope offered a deal.
> He'd have a religious debate
> with the leader of the Jewish community.
> If the Jews won, they could
> stay in Italy ; if the Pope won, they'd have
> to convert or
> leave.
>
> The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise
> rabbi to
> represent
> them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no
> Italian,
> and the Pope
> spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a
> "silent" debate.
>
> On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat
> opposite each other.
>
> The Pope raised his hand and showed three
> fingers.
>
> The rabbi looked back and raised one
> finger.
>
> Next, the Pope waved his finger around his
> head.
>
> The rabbi pointed to the ground where he
> sat.
>
> The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice
> of
> wine.
>
> The rabbi pulled out an apple.
>
> With that, the
> Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that
> the rabbi was
> too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .
>
> Later the cardinals
> met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.
>
> The Pope said,
> "First I held up three fingers to represent the
> Trinity.
> He responded
> by holding up a single finger to remind me there is
> still
> only one
> God common to both our beliefs.
>
> "Then, I waved my finger around
> my head to show him that God was all
> around us. He responded by
> pointing to the ground to show that God was
> also right here with
> us.
>
> "I pulled out the wine and water to show that
> God absolves us
> of all
> our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the
> original
> sin.
>
> "He bested me at every move and I could not
> continue."
>
> Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the
> rabbi how he'd won.
>
> "I haven't a clue," the rabbi said.
> "First,
> he told me that we had three
> days to get out of Italy , so I gave him
> the finger.
>
> "Then he tells me that the whole country would
> be
> cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying
> right
> here."
>
> "And then what?" asked a woman.
>
> "Who knows?"
> said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch so I took
> out
> mine."

Thursday, August 20, 2009
loads of classics
Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting, he's looking for a

>parking place, and can't find one.

>In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: "Lord, if you find me
>a

>parking place, I promise that I'll eat only kosher, respect Shabbos,
>and

>all the holidays."

>Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him.

>He turns his face up to heaven and says, "Never mind, I just found one!"





TROUBLESOME SON-IN-LAW

A Jewish girl brings her fiancé home to meet her parents.

After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young

man. He invites the fiancé to his study for schnapps.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the fiancé.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar," the father says. "Admirable, but

what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as

she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will

provide for us."

And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring,

such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man

replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support

children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the

fiancé.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the

father questions, the fiancé insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but

the good news is he thinks I'm God."



A wealthy Jewish man buys a fabulous home in Beverly Hills, California. He brings in a local workman to decorate the place.



When the job is finished, the homeowner is delighted but realizes that he's forgotten to put mezuzahs on the doors. He goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side of each door except bathrooms and kitchens.



He's really worried that the decorator will chip the paint work or won't put them up correctly. However, when he comes back a few hours later, he sees that the job has been carried out to his entire satisfaction. He's so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus.



As the decorator is walking out of the door he says, "Glad you're happy with the job...." "By the way, I took out all the warranties in the little boxes and left them on the table for you!"





> Yeshiva University decided to field a rowing team. Unfortunately, they

lose race after race. Even though they practice and practice for hours every

day, they never manage to come in any better than dead last.

>

> Finally, the team decides to send Morris Fishbein, its captain, to spy
> on

> Harvard, the perennial championship team.

>

> So Morris schlepps off to Cambridge and hides in the bushes next to
> the

> Charles River, where he carefully watches the Harvard team at its
> daily

> practices.

>

> After a week, Morris returns to Yeshiva. "Well, I figured out their

secret", he announces.

>

> "What?! Tell us! Tell us!", his teammates shout.

>

> "We should have only one guy yelling. The other eight should row."

> =============================================

>

> It was mealtime during a flight on El-Al.

> "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in

front.

> "What are my choices?" Moishe asked "Yes or no," she replied.

> ===============================================



> A Rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of
> paper

> from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck". At
> the

next

> Friday night service, the rabbi announced, "I have known many people
> who

> have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I

> received a letter from someone who signed his name.... and forgot to
> write

a letter.

> =============================================

>

> Signs on Synagogue Bulleting Boards:

> - Under same management for over 5763 years

> - Beat the Rosh Hashana rush, come to shul this shabbat

> - Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case!

> - Come early for a good seat

> - What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?

>

> =============================================

> Channukah Songs that Never Quite Caught on:

> - Oy to the World

> - Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland

> - Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)

> - Come on Baby Light my Menorah

> - Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzos

> - Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky

>

> ===================================================

> A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Channukah cards.
> She

> says to the clerk "May I have 50 Channukah stamps please"

> "What denomination?" says the clerk.

> The woman says "Oy vey,...my god, has it come to this? Okay, give me 6

> orthodox, 12 conservative and 32 reform!"

> ====================================================

>

> PHILANTHROPY

>

> A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz

> Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the

acoustics.

> He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named
> after

> Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?" "No," replied the guide.

"It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."

> "Never heard of him. What did he write?"

> "A check", replied the guide.

>

> ================================================

> Words

>

> A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women
> use

> more words than men. Excited to prove to his wife his long-held
> contention

> that women in general, and his wife in particular, talked too much, he

> showed her the study results, which stated:

> "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000."

> His wife thought awhile, then finally she said to her husband, "That's

> because we have to repeat everything we say."

> The husband said, "What?"

>

> ==============================================

> The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."

> The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."

> The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."

> The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."

> The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."

> The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."





Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam, applying for his citizenship papers.

He was asked to spell "cultivate," and he spelled it correctly. He was then

asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with a big smile, responded: "Last


vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home."



=========================================

Two Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat

starts sinking. Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim


so well." Morty remembers how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard

class when he was just a kid, so he begins tugging Saul toward shore. After

ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 100 feet from shore, Morty

a aks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?" Saul replies,

"Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"



===========================================

Bar Mitzvah Definition:



A Bar Mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to the

realization that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he


is to play for one.





===========================================



An old Jewish man was dying in the hospital. His family - wife, children,

grandchildren - came to see him, but only one was allowed in the room at a

time. Grandson Ben went in first. "Hello, Grampa Moishe. Can I do something

for you?" "Yes," said Grampa Moishe. Go tell Gramma Sadie I want some of her delicious chopped liver that she made yesterday. Ben went out and told

Gramma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe he can't have any chopped liver. It would kill him." Ben went back in and reported what she'd said.
"You tell Gramma Sadie I want the chopped liver. I'm dying anyway and it won't make any difference." Ben went and told Gramma Sadie, who said, "Go

tell Grampa Moishe he can't have any. The chopped liver is for the Shiva



--------------------------------

The three Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hyman, and Maximillian invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.



On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97º.



The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that 3 gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.



Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.



They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130º - turned on the air-conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.



The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them 3 million dollars for the patent.



The brothers refused saying they would settle for 2 million but they wanted the recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner" on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.



Now old man Ford was more than just a little bit anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs' name on 2 million Ford cars.



They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on 4 million dollars and that just their first names would be shown.



And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls the names "Norm", "Hi", and "Max".

---------------------------------------------------

One night the President was working late at the Synagogue trying to figure out all the money problems the shul was having. Soon after she (he) took office a Genie appeared and said. Madame (Mister) President as a reward for being elected president I will grant you one wish. It can be anything.
Well the President thought for a moment and took out a map of the Middle East. She said, Genie do you see this land of Israel, my wish would be that Israel would have lasting peace. No more war, no more conflicts between Israel and the world.



The Genie took a step back and said "I don't know, the Middle East has been at war for 100's and 100's of years. Many Great Genies before me have tried to grant peace in the Middle East and could not. To be honest, I am not that great of a Genie. You will need to think of something else. Well the President thought for a moment and looked down at all the files she was working on. Memberships not paid up, annual appeals not met, many accounts not being reconciled. Bills from Hebrew School, the House Committee, Youth Groups, More money going out than coming in. Ok Genie my wish then is to have all my accounts in order so we can have a balanced budget.



The genie looked down at all the files, saw all the problems and pondered for a moment then said "On second thought let me see that Middle East Map again""
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 7:41 AM 0 comments
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Bluffer's guide to going to synagogue
BLUFFER'S GUIDE TO GOING TO SHUL

Worried about looking like a lemon in shul?
Finding the shul service impossible to follow?

Many people suffer from what is known in religious circles as "Mainstream Judaism". No need to worry, however. Our team of spiritual healers have devised a cure and we are making it available to you exclusively today. Please pass it on to anyone you know who may be suffering in silence.

Shul Rules" is your ten step guide to synagogue confidence:
1. If you arrive after the start don't sit down right away, but instead, open the book near the beginning and spend 2 or 3 minutes turning slowly through the pages while mumbling under your breath. If you recognize any of the Hebrew words, say one or two of them a little louder so those around you can hear.

2. Find a seat just behind someone who looks like they know what's going on. (You can tell this person because they are likely to be mumbling to themselves under their breath). Make sure this person is using the same prayer book as you. Keep a note of what page they are on by glancing casually over their shoulder every now and again. A pair of strong magnification glasses may help here.

3. When putting on the tallit, wrap it around your head for a few seconds while mumbling under your breath.

4. Liberally sprinkle your time in shul with more barely audible mumbles as you look intently at the pages of your siddur. Again, the odd word, phrase or line spoken accurately and a little louder than the rest goes down very well.

5. Don't jump up whenever the person in front does so. They may be stretching their legs. Instead, wait a moment until a significant proportion of the congregation are standing. In this way, even if they are all stretching their legs you won't look conspicuous.

6. See those guys near the front that are wandering around with an air of assurance? These are the shammosim. AVOID EYE CONTACT WITH THESE PEOPLE or you may find yourself being asked to do something strange like opening the doors of the Aron Kodesh or, heaven forbid, saying something in Hebrew out loud to everyone.

7. The easiest way to look the part is to shockel. I have met people who have won international shockelling competitions without having a clue about where in the service they were. Advanced shockellers will even shockel when everyone else is sitting. (Of course, sometimes this may be a disguised leg-stretch).

Schockelling is an entire lesson in itself but there are two basic forms. The "lateral swing" is usually seen in ultra-orthodox congregations. Here the practitioner is perfectly still from the waist down (feet together, naturally), while the top half of the body repeatedly twists at speed.
The "Hammerhead" is more prevalent in mainstream orthodox shuls and, as the name suggests, the congregant looks as if they are trying to bang a nail into the floor with his head. (I say "his" because women prefer to use this time for kibitzing or kvelling over the way their grandson shockels.).

Shockelling mainly takes place during the silent Amidah. This is about 10 pages during which you have no idea where everyone else is. All you do know is that if the others were really reading all the prayers involved they would be contenders for the world speed-reading record. You know when it starts because everyone takes three steps back, then three steps forward, then they bow. This is your cue to start shockelling while turning the pages of your prayer book approximately every 15 seconds. The end of the silent Amidah is signalled by everyone taking three short steps back, bowing to the left, the right and the centre and then looking round to see if they won.

8. Is the Rabbi speaking in English and yet you can't understand what he's on about? If so, this is the sermon and it's your job to look alive. Paying attention to the sermon is a skill that may take many years to master rather in the way that one learns how to complete cryptic crosswords. The formula for this particular puzzle is fairly simple: The narrative of Torah portion you have just heard plus something from local or national news equals "you should go to shul more regularly" or "your home isn't kosher enough".

9. Feel free to talk to people near you at any time. Business and football are particularly appropriate topics of conversation. Seeking kavanah and listening to the sermon will be regarded with suspicion in most communities.

10. If you can keep your cool until the end of the service you will be rewarded. At last something that is familiar, and a chance to clear your throat and give it some as you bash out Ein Kelohaynu and Adon Olam just like you did at cheder all those years ago.

One final word of warning. If it goes well and you feel confident enough to go back for a second week running you will be classified as a regular. This means there is a very good chance you will be asked to be the next synagogue chairman.
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 6:16 PM 1 comments
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Saying of the Jewish Buddist
Sayings of the Jewish Buddhist

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.

The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself.
The Buddha says, There is no self.
So, maybe we're off the hook.
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 9:18 AM 0 comments
Monday, July 27, 2009
Top Ten Signs Your Rabbi was Indicted Yesterday:
Top Ten Signs Your Rabbi was Indicted Yesterday:

10 Suddenly takes on minhag to wear hat on face.


9 Synagogue Charity Auction now includes "Kidney."


8 Unless you work in criminal defense, you ain't getting Shlishi.


7 Rebbetzin is suddenly on JDate.


6 Afternoon Halacha Shiur now entitled: "Ankle Monitors on Shabbat."


5 Will be spending the rest of the summer "upstate."


4 Sermon comes in form of an Affadavit.


3 Keeps tying everything to an obscure "Yosef in Jail" metaphor.


2 Pretty sure he just referred to Bernie Madoff as "Shlita."


1 He's still wearing Black & White, only this time, it's all stripes.
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 8:47 AM 0 comments
Friday, July 10, 2009
Being Jewish?
As a general principle, Jewish holidays are divided between days on which you must starve and days on which you must overeat.



Many Jews observe no fewer than 16 fasts throughout the Jewish year, based on the time-honored principle that even if you are sure that you are ritually purified, you definitely aren't. Though there are many feasts and fasts, there are no holidays requiring light snacking.



Note: Unlike Christians, who simply attend church on special days (e.g. Ash Wednesday), on Jewish holidays most Jews take the whole day off. This is because Jews, for historical and personal reasons, are more stressed out..


The Diet Guide to the Jewish Holidays:



Rosh Hashanah - Feast

Tzom Gedalia - Fast

Yom Kippur - More fasting

Sukkot - Feast for a week + Hashanah Rabbah ---- More feasting

Simchat Torah - Keep right on feasting

Month of Heshvan - No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.

Hanukkah - Eat potato pancakes

Tenth of Tevet - Do not eat potato pancakes

Tu B'Shevat - Feast

Fast of Esther - Fast

Purim - Eat pastry

Passover - Do not eat pastry for a week

Shavuot - Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes, etc.)

17th of Tammuz - Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)

Tish B'Av - Serious fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)

Month of Elul - End of cycle

Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again.



There are many forms of Judaism:

Cardiac Judaism - in my heart I am a Jew.

Gastronomic Judaism - we eat Jewish foods.

Pocketbook Judaism - I give to Jewish causes.

Drop-off Judaism - drop the kids off at Sunday School; go out to breakfast.

Twice a Year Judaism - attend service Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.



You know you grew up Jewish when:

You did not respond to the teacher calling roll on the first day of school because you thought your name was "Princess".

You've had at least one female relative who drew eyebrows on her face that were always asymmetrical.

You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef "brisket."

Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish.

Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents.

You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting into a 10-foot-wide dining room battling each other with plastic plates & forks trying to get to the hot tray.

You thought pasta was the stuff used exclusively for kugel and kasha with bowties.

You watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan every Sunday night.

You were as tall as your grandmother by age seven.

You never knew anyone whose last name didn't end in one of 6 standard suffixes (-man,-witz, -berg, -stein, -blatt or -baum).

You grew up and were surprised to find out that wine doesn't always taste like year-old cranberry sauce.

You can look at gefilte fish without turning green.

You grew up thinking there was a fish called lox.

You can understand some Yiddish but you can't speak it.

You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean. Is that Kenahurra or is that kaninehurra?.

You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse's ancestor.

You have at least six male relatives named Michael or David.
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 9:34 AM 0 comments
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Jewish vs Goyish
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------





JEWISH VS. GOYISH

Judges are Jewish

Juries are Goyish


Packing all the mini hotel shampoos is Jewish

Using them is Goyish


Ordering family style is Jewish

Ordering a la carte is Goyish


Cruises are Jewish

Walking tours are Goyish


Laugh-In was Jewish

Hee Haw was Goyish


Grabbing lox from the back of the buffet first, is Jewish

Grabbing melon from the front is Goyish



Bunions are Jewish

Flat feet are Goyish


Simon Says is Jewish

The Hokey Pokey is Goyish


"Bewitched" is Jewish

"I Dream of Jeannie" is Goyish


The Limbo is Jewish

Line dancing is Goyish


Picking from your mate's plate is Jewish

Not wanting even a "little taste" is Goyish


Fruitcake is Goyish

Fruit and cake is Jewish


Reading "how-to" books is Goyish

Writing "how-to" books is Jewish


ESPN is Goyish

PBS is Jewish


Tiffany's is Goyish

Your Uncle Ira in the Jewelry District is Jewish


Passing bars is Goyish

Passing the Bar Exam is Jewish


DIY (Do it Yourself) is Goyish

PAG (Pay A Goy who knows what he's doing) is Jewish


Mary Kay is Goyish

Murray the K is Jewish


The Chia pet infomercial is Goyish

Ronco spray-on hair is Jewish


Morbidly obese is Goyish

Baby fat is Jewish


NASCAR is Goyish. Period.


West Coast is Goyish

East Coast is Jewish


Lunch meat is Goyish;

Deli is Jewish



White bread is Goyish;

Rye is Jewish


Sushi is Jewish; Chopsticks are Goyish

Quilt cases are Jewish; Comforters are Goyish

Suspenders are Jewish; Overalls are Goyish


Waldbaum's was Jewish; A&P was Goyish.
(Now A&P is the parent company of Waldbaum's!)


Alan Sherman was Jewish;

Weird Al Yankovic, not so much


Laughing at someone else's troubles is Goyish;

Laughing at your own troubles is Jewish



"Youngsters" are Goyish,

"Kids" are Jewish


Buttering bread is Goyish;

Spreading margarine is Jewish



Sitting quietly to get served is Goyish:

Standing and waving one's hands is Jewish


I have just one thing to say about the Heineken can. Maybe beer is Goyish, but Freddie Heineken, the founder of the Heineken Brewery in Amsterdam (a very Jewish city) was a Jewish man...just thought to tell you that...well, pointing this out is Jewish too I think...


WWF is Goyish,
The NBA is Jewish


Tattoos and piercing are Goyish;
Diamonds and pearls are Jewish


Ham sandwiches are Goyish;
Corned beef on rye is Jewish


White sox are Goyish;
No sox are Jewish


Saving Money is Goyish;
Investing money is Jewish


Snowmobiling is Goyish;
Skiing is Jewish

Doing Landscaping is Goyish;
Hiring a Landscaper is Jewish


Beer is Goyish;
Wine is Jewish


Frizzy hair is Jewish;
Stick straight flat hair is Goyish


A party that revolves around the buffet table is Jewish:

A party that revolves around the bar is Goyish!


Making lists of what's Jewish and what's not .. is VERY Jewish!!
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 7:27 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
bulletin bloopers
SYNAGOGUE BULLETIN BLOOPERS

These announcements were found in shul newsletters and bulletins. Even spell check wouldn't have helped.

1. Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.

2. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

3. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.

4. Thursday at, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All women wishing to become Little Mothers please see the rabbi in his private study.

5. The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.

6. A bean supper will be held Wednesday evening in the community center. Music will follow.

7. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Pleas e use the large double door at the side entrance.

8. Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.

9. Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

10. The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.

11. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

12. We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

13. If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!

14. The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising campaign slogan this week:
"I Upped MY PLEDGE UP YOURS"


Friday, May 22, 2009
Sukkot
> An observant Jew who lived on Park Avenue, built a Sukkah on his balcony.


> Some of his 'high society' non-Jewish neighbors brought him to court.
>
>
> They claimed that the Sukkah on his balcony was an eyesore and was having a
> negative impact on the value of their homes in this posh neighborhood.
>
>
> In court, the man was very worried about the outcome. It was the eve of the
> eight-day holiday, leaving him no time to make alternative arrangements, in
> case the judge ordered him to take down the Sukkah.
>
>
> He prayed for help. And Hashem listened.
>
> Judge Ginsburg, who was Jewish himself, had a reputation of being a very
> wise man. After hearing both sides, he turned around to the observant Jew and
> scolded him: "Don't you realize that you live on Park Avenue, and not in
> Brooklyn? There is a certain decorum which is expected on Park Avenue. You have no
> right to be putting up an ugly hut on this lovely street without a building
> permit authorizing it. I hereby rule that either you remove the hut,
> or I will fine you one thousand dollars.
>
> You have exactly eight days to do so! Next case!"
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 12:30 PM 0 comments
Monday, May 18, 2009
bris
> > TWO little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers
> >next to each other, outside the operating room. The
> > first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here
> > for?" The second kid Says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little
> > nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that
> > done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you
> > lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second kid then asks, "What are you here
> > for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." The second kid replies, "Whoa, good luck buddy, I had that done
> > when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 10:06 AM 0 comments
kosher computers
I don't know if you know this, but you can now purchase Kosher computers! They are made in Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM. The price is so low... even with the shipping from Israel ! However, before you purchase a kosher computer of your own, you should know that there are some important changes from the typical non-kosher computer you are used to, such as:


1) The 'Start' button has been replaced with a 'Let's go!

I'm not getting any younger!' button.

2) You hear 'Hava Nagila' during startup.

3) The cursor moves from right to left.

4) When Spell-checker finds an error it prompts, 'Is this the best you can do?'

5) When you look at erotic images, your computer says, 'If your mother knew you did this, she would die.'

6) It comes with a 'monitor cleaning solution' from Manischewitz that gets rid of all the 'schmutz und drek.'

7) When running 'Scan Disk' it prompts you with a 'You want I should fix this?' message.

8) After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC goes, 'Schloffen.'


9) The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

10) It comes with two hard drives - one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games).

11) Instead of getting a 'General Protection Fault' error, your PC now gets 'Ferklempt.'

12) The multimedia player has been renamed to 'Nu, so play my music already!'

13) When your PC is working too hard, you occasionally hear a loud 'Oy Gevalt!'

14) Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball soup.

16) When disconnecting external devices from the PC, you are instructed to 'Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus.'

17) After your computer dies, you have to dispose of it within 24 hours.

18) But best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get SPAM...
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 9:41 AM 0 comments
Friday, May 8, 2009
Hats
The Rabbi's Hat




One very windy day, a rabbi was on his way to the temple. Suddenly a strong gust of wind blew his streimel (fur hat) off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. He just couldn't catch up with it.


A young gentile man, witnessing this event and being more fit than the rabbi, ran after the hat and caught it. The young gentile man handed the hat over to the rabbi. The rabbi was so pleased and grateful that he gave the man twenty dollars, put his hand on the man's head and blessed him. The young man was very excited about both the tip and the blessing.


The young gentile decided to take his new found wealth to the racetrack. He bet the entire $20 on the first race that he could. After the races the young man returned home and recounted his very exciting day at the races to his father. 'I arrived at the fifth race,' said the young man.'I looked at the racing program and saw a horse by the name of ' Top Hat' was running. The odds on this horse were 100 to 1. It was the longest shot in the field.'

After saving the rabbi's hat, having received the rabbi's blessing, gotten the $20, and seeing ' Top Hat' in the fifth race, I thought this was a message from God. So, I bet the entire 20 dollars on Top Hat.' 'An amazing thing happened. The horse that was the longest shot and who

did not have the slightest chance to even show, came, in first by 5 lengths.'

'You must have made a fortune,' said the father. Well yes, $2000. But wait, it gets better,' replied the son. 'In the following race, I looked at the program. A horse by the name of 'Stetson' was running. The odds on the horse were 30 to 1'. Stetson being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi's blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse.'


'What happened?' asked the excited father. 'Stetson came in like a rocket. Now I had $60,000!' 'Are you telling me you brought home all this money?' asked his excited father. 'No,' said the son. 'I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named 'Chateau.' So I decided to bet all the money on it because the horse was the heavy favorite and the name also means hat in

French. But the horse broke down and came in last.'


'Hat in French is 'Chapeau' not 'Chateau' you moron,' said the father.'You lost all of the money because of your ignorance. Tell me, what horse won the race? It was a long shot from Japan named 'Yarmalka' answered the son.
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 4:22 PM 0 comments
Friday, April 3, 2009
Aetheist Holy Day
FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge.

After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no G-d..' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no G-d, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned!
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 6:18 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Till 120
"Absent"

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly
stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's
absence after so many years of faithful attendance the
Rabbi went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked,
"How come after all these years we don't see you at
services anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice.

"I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90,
I expected G~d to take me any day. But then I got to be
95, then 100, then 105...

So I figured that G~d is very busy and must've forgotten
about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 9:21 AM 0 comments
lost on an Island
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week
> vacation to celebrate
> their 40th anniversary.
> Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain
> announces, "Ladies
> and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our
> engines have
> ceased
> functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.
> Luckily, I see an
> uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on
> the beach.
> However,
> the odds are that we will may never be rescued and will
> have to live on the
> island for the rest of our lives!".
> Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands
> safely on the
> island.
> An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther,
> did we pay our
> charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?"
>
> "No, sweetheart," she responds.
>
> Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,
> "Esther, did we pay
> our United Jewish Appeal pledge?
>
> "Oy, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the
> check," she says.
>
> "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a
> check for the
> Synagogue Building Fund this month," he asks?
>
> "Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I
> didn't sent that
> one, either."
>
> Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
>
> Esther pulls away and asks him, " So, why did you kiss
> me?"
>
> Abe answers, "They'll find us."

Sunday, March 29, 2009
Coke and Israelis
A disappointed Coca Cola salesman returns from his assignment to Israel. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Israelis?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted, I was very confident that I would make it. But, I had a problem. I didn't know Hebrew. So, I planned to convey the message via 3 posters.
First poster : A man lying in the hot desert sand, totally exhausted.
Second poster : The man drinks Coca Cola.
Third poster : The man is now totally refreshed.
"These posters were pasted all over the place." "That should have worked!!" said the friend.
"The hell it should have!!, said the salesman. "I didn't realize that Israelis read from right to left!!!"
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 10:26 AM 0 comments
Thursday, March 26, 2009
The Butler
Subject: The English Butler

An English Jewish couple won twenty-million pounds on the lottery. They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion in Knightsbridge and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable. Then they decided to hire a butler.



They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home. The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to lunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping.



When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four.



The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes and the Knishes
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 7:48 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Unintended announcements
These announcements, with typos and phrasing blunders, were reportedly found in various Jewish temple newsletters and bulletins around the country. Even the spell checker wouldn't have helped!

1. Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.

2. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

3. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.

4. Thursday at 9, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All women wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the rabbi in his private study.

5. The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.

6. A bean supper will be held Wednesday evening in the community center. Music will follow.

7. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

8. Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.

9. Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

10. The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.

12. We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

13. If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!

14. The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fund-raising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours."
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 1:03 PM 0 comments
Sunday, March 22, 2009
The Queen and the tax man
Her Majesty and Max Pincus"

When Queen Elizabeth heard rumors that Parliament
was planning to tax the royal family on the same basis
as private individuals, she began searching for a good
tax advisor. She asked several billionaires and each
whispered, "Max Pincus." She turned to the Intelligence
services to locate Max Pincus and received a report.
Max, the report said, lives in Brooklyn, New York where
he makes a living betting on horses at OTB. However,
the report went on, there are rumors about Max making
huge fees as an unregistered tax advisor. But since he
is a heavy contributor to both political parties, the IRS
and the rest of the government leaves him alone.

Through her embassy, it was arranged for Max to travel
to London on a RAF transport and meet with the Queen
secretly. "Have your husband and your accountant there,"
Max e-mailed.

At the palace, Max pored over the Queen's complicated
financial reports. She was known to be the richest woman
in the world and Max took his time reading every paper.
Finally, after several days of reading and questioning, he
sat down with the Queen, Prince Philip and two chartered
accountants.

"Foist," Max said, "because I got a Brooklyn accent, I will
speak slowly. However, there are some woids better said
in Yiddish, so if I use any, axe me fer a translation, but it
won't be as good."

"Queenie, you should shtup some gelt into trust funds for
the aineklach. Forever you ain't gonna live and the inheritance
taxes will fress up your estate vi a chazzer. Next, you should
write out of your will that shmegegi, your son Charles. He
has enough of an estate to feed the Weimeraner he married
and he ain't gonna have no more kids."

"Then you should move your tuchus and quickly set up a
couple trusts for any charities you want to help."

But before he could continue, Philip interrupted. "I say. I
would prefer if you would speak English. And I must insist
on more respect when addressing her majesty."

Elizabeth turned to the Prince and, with a withering glance,
said, "Phillip, please stop the narishkeit and let Mr. Pincus
proceed. He obviously has the sechel I need to cover my
tuchus."
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 7:30 AM 0 comments
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Local call
> >
> > An American decided to write a book about famous churches
> around the
> > world.
> >
> > So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando ,
> thinking that
> > he would start by working his way across the USA from South to
> North.>
> > On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs
> when he
> > noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign
> that read
> > '$10,000 per call'.
> >
> > The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was
> strolling by
> > what the telephone was used for.
> >
> > The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and
> that for
> > $10,000 you could talk to God.
> >
> > The American thanked the prie st and went along his way.
> >
> > Next stop was in Atlanta ... There, at a very large cathedral,
> he saw
> > the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.
> >
> > He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando
> > and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
> >
> > She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for
> $10,000> he could talk to God.
> >
> > 'O.K., thank you,' said the American .
> >
> > He then travelled all across America , Europe, England , Japan , New
> > Zealand .
> > In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with
> the same
> > '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.
> >
> > The American decided to travel to Israel to see if Israelis
> had the
> > same phone.
> >
> > He arrived in Jerusalem and again, in the first Synagogue he
> entered,> there was the same looking golden telephone, but this
> time the sign
> > under it read '40 cents per call.'
> >
> > The American was surprised so he asked the Rabbi about the
> sign.
> > 'Rabbi, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same
> > golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a
> direct line
> > to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.
> >
> > Why is it so cheap here?'
> >
> > The Rabbi smiled and answered, 'You're in Israel now, son -
> it's a
> > local call'.
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 9:46 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Gefilta fish
Many times I have been upset by people who seem to think that gefilte fish
is some kind of mixture you make in the kitchen rather than one of the
Lord's creatures.

This has led me to explain exactly what a gefilte fish is. So once again,
here goes:

Each year as soon as the frost on the Great Gefilte Lakes (located upstate
New York somewhere in the Catskill Mountains ) is thin enough to break the
surface, Frum (observant) fishermen set out to "catch" gefilte fish.

Now unlike your normal fish, gefilte fish cannot be caught with a rod and a
reel or your standard bait. The art of catching gefilte fish was handed down
for hundreds, maybe thousands, of years.

For all I know Moses used to go gefilte fish catching. I'm sure that the
Great Rambam (Maimonides), when he wasn't busy playing doctor, spent his
leisure time Gefilte fishing.

Enough already, you say, so how is it done? Well you go up to the edge of
the lake with some Matzo. Now this is very important!! It has to be
Manischewitz Matzo or the fish will not be attracted. You stand at the edge
of the lake and whistle and say, "Here boy!" "Here boy!" The fish just can't
resist the smell of the Matzo. They come together to the edge of the lake
where they jump into the jars and are bottled on the spot.

You must remember that there are two kinds of gefilte fish. The strong and
the weak. The weak are your standard fish which are in a loose "broth" (it
is actually the lake water). Now the strong are special. They seem to be in
a "jell." These fish are actually imported from the Middle East where they
are caught in the Dead Sea . They have to be strong to be able to swim
through that "jell."

Last year, a well meaning gentleman tried to correct me by stating, "Reb,
shouldn't they be saying 'Here Boychic!'" I didn't have the heart to tell
him that Boychic is a Yiddish word and Gefilte Fish don't understand Yiddish
--only Hebrew and surprisingly, English! There has been a big debate as to
whether to use the Hebrew or English in the US . With a big break from
tradition, shockingly the English is accepted by almost all
Gefiltefishermen. Some still insist on using the Hebrew and consider the use
of "Here Boy" as Reform and not acceptable. However the Congress of OU
Rabbis (who have to be present at the lakes when the fish are bottled)
uniformly accept "Here boy!"

The time of the catch is very important! The fish cannot be caught before
Purim is over or the fish are considered Chumetz! Besides, the fish know
when Pesach is coming, and will not respond to the Matzo before the proper
time.

I am still a little bothered by which end of the fish is the head and which
the tail (not to mention that I am not sure where their eyes are). This is a
small price to pay for the luxury of eating this delicacy.

Have you ever had the baby Gefilte Fish? Oy, they are so cute that I feel a
little guilty eating them!

Have a great Pesach and hope that the Matzo doesn't affect you like Pepto
Bismol or worse yet, prunes. (THERE IS A NEW product available in the stores
called: Metamucil Matzo. The box has the logo: "LET MY PEOPLE GO!"
Posted by Rabbi Jonathan Ginsburg at 4:43 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Top Ten Signs Your Shul Is In a Recession]
10. Hot kiddush means we have hot water and styrofoam cups

9. Crown on top of Torah looks a heck of a lot like a cardboard Burger King crown

8. Instead of hiring Janitorial staff, Rabbi halachically sells garbage

7. Yarzheit lights designed to flash new Corporate Sponsor's Logo

6. You spot your Rabbi playing Santa at the mall

5. Benches are wooden, worn down and have golden name plates from 1972

(Never mind, that's what it's like in an economic boom, too)

4. Tzedaka Box is filled with IOU's

3. Your rebbetzin is on " Antique Road Show" trying to pawn off the ark curtain as

"Sacred Hebrew Velvet Tapestry"

2. Bar Mitzvah Candy bags are just empty bags

1. The "Ner Tamid" isn't exactly tamid after

5pm

Yiddish medical form
Yiddish Medical Form





Nomen:______________________





Diagnosis:



shmendrikitis ______

in drerd mit di beyner ______

meshugeh (______a bisl ______ in gantsn)

nudnikitis _______

pisher ______

zhlob (______a bisl ______in gantsn )

gezunter khazer ______

shleper ______

shlimiel/ shlimazl ______

meiskayt (______a bisl ______in gantsn)

alteh kaker (________medicare only)

farshlepteh krankayt ______

kvetsh _______

farblondzhet ______

ongeblozn ______

drey kop ______

farkrimteh ponim ______





Procedure/ Treatment Gelt



klap in kop ______

potsh in tokhes ______

shlog kop in vant ______

Botox: nor farbisineh pénemer ______

aroysnemen a kishke ______ gey gezunter heyt ______









Vos zogt der dokter?



nisht geferlekh





Ultimate diagnosis



Vet gornisht helfn.





Next appointment:



Tishabov





Untershrift ____________________