Oldies

JEWISH HUMOR
During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the
Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half
remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those
standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones
sitting to stand up. The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and
commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested
that he consult a housebound 98 year old man who was one of the
original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped The elderly man
would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so
he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of
the congregation.
The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is
the tradition to stand during this prayer?"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
The one whose followers sat said,"Then the tradition is to sit
during Shema!"
The old man answered, "No, that is not the tradition."
Then the rabbi said to the old man, "But the congregants fight all
the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand."
The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is the tradition!"
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Evening Prayers
When young David was asked by his father to say the evening prayer,
he realized he didn't have his head covered...so he asked his little
brother Henry to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over.
Henry grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand. The
father said, "This is important...put your hand back on his head!"
to which Henry exclaimed, "What, am I my brother's kipah?"
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Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish
Texan is sitting between them. The first Texan says, "My name is
Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they
call my place The Jolly Roger."
The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I
have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."
They both look down at the Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving
and I own only 300 acres." Roger looks down at him and say, "300
Acres? What do you raise?" "Nothing" Irving says.
"Well then, what do you call it?" Asked John. "Downtown Dallas."
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Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife
has been unfaithful during his time away. Who was it!!!???" he
yells. "That alta kakker Goldstein?" "No," replied his wife. "It
wasn't Goldstein." "Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?" "No, not him."
"Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!" "No, it wasn't
Rabinovich either..."
Morris was now fuming.
"What's the matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good enough
for you?"
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Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had
waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent
over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her
turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly emerged
within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held
high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up
to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent
in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle . . . he gave me a longer cane."